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What Is Left Of Me
mInmIn
17
20th august 1989
Temasek Junior College
LOVES <3
Family
Friends
Tjc Swim Team
The special ONE
life revolves arnd mugging now.
but i dun wish to become a slave to mugging,
by that i mean i really dun want to feel stress up.
seeing the pple arnd u gradually becoming stressed is scary.
no. i dun want to suffer from that.
yeah! i did my PB for inclined pull up and 2.4! (: it's from failing these two items back in chung cheng to getting my A for these two now! (:
i want to go the manhattan fish market that shuhan told me abt :( the food looks really nice :(
mrs goh's words were really encouraging. she is such a good motivator. hahas.
the machine which measure the percentage of fats in ur body was damn funny. darren, dihui and i made a great din in the pe dept cos of it. surprised that the teachers din scold us. hahas.
pe ytd was so shiok. i ran like never before. miss swimming. argh.
qien's compo touched my heart. hahas. random. but yar. his compo is simple and touching. u can really feel for angeline and him (: i look forward to attending to both of your wedding (:
for my loved ones, pls dun get stressed up. it's impt to stay cool and calm and mug well now. stressed is just a piece of dessert (:
staying in school till late at night is interesting. hahas. so quiet.
smile everyone! like this :D my dear sexykid typical smile. hahas
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was viewing jonz photos and just...
miss swimming, esp the penang trip with the swimmers.
memories.
the nats week.
memories.
sighs.
i hasnt been able to join the gals for water polo trainings.
i miss those times when we will train hard for nats.
sighs.
just glad that at least the swimmers are still studying tgt now.
but yar. i miss the times when we will go dwn to ite simei for training.
and my apple crumble after that.
there are many things and people that i really miss.
and i wonder,
why things seem to change btw us.
is the friendship not that strong afterall
are we changing
or right from the start,
it's not strong to begin with
but we self- deluded ourselves.
ok. stop emo-ing.
perhaps some friends we should let go of sometimes,
when really, the friendship is too weak?
and both parties refuse to put in efforts?
i duno.
but yar.
i have too much memories.
on another note, it's not a time to be emo at all.
it's just _ weeks to prelims and Alevels.
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celebrated darren's bday today. yawns. i am so tired now.
anyway, we have laods of fun in the ehs. i really duno what's the room called. anyway, it's this room that really is in jap style in sakae. as what shuhan says, it's those that have cushion kind. hahas. and we spent 225 bucks. ok la. we have quite a no. of people.
i was super unrefined when i was in the room. in the sense. dihui passed me darren's phone. then darren wanted to snatch it back from me. i didnt know why that phone was so impt at that pt of time. so i just refused to let go of the phone. and "fought" with darren. waw. super unrefined. i wonder if i got "zou3 guang1" LOLs.
swensens ice cream cake was yummy! but i didnt get to eat alot =( cos dihui cut the cake out of proportion la. i only ate abit. but it was super yummy. miss xuande's bday ice cream cake. hahas. he was swensens ice cream cake too. but it was two swensens ice cream cake.
we made alot of lame jokes in the room la. i think the people outside will think that we are mad or something. there was once when angeline shouted and i was outside and practically EVERYONE in the restaurant turned and looked at us -_-|||| super paiseh.
dinner was delicious. i love my beancurd thing.
then talked to angeline abt stuff. i thought that i would not cry, cos i thought that i have grew stronger over the week. but waw, the tears just came when i talked abt that night and the many things that have happened. but yeah. she certainly has a more mature thinking than me. and a more logical mind. aiyarh. but i still duno what to do. i just hope that things will be fine.
smile. i want to smile from the bottom of my heart.
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it's really hard to smile for the people who love you. really hard. i am consumed by the night, by the memories, by the person who have hurt me so much but never knows that. it's really hard. i really dont want to make those who care worry, but i really find it hard to smile.
it's an open wound that is bleeding profusely and i cant stop it from bleeding.
sorry. i disappoint those who care and love me once again. sorry. please bear with me.
i really really hate the person, the third party. if not for her, things wouldnt be so bad.
tears sucks.
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something really really bad happened that day. i have never thought to have to meet with this kind of mishap. i lost every memory that i have in the past. really scary experience. it haunts me every now and then when i think back.
though things are getting really tough, but i m determined to walk out of this shadow now. cause i realised that i have made alot of people worry for me. sorry.
the tears just come somehow in torrents these two days. not that i dun want to say what happened. but it's something that really cannot be known to some, and somehow, i am tired of repeating the story all over again.
i thought that i have become much stronger after talking to some, but after that incident, i realised that i could just break down. cause it's too much to bear. i am haunt by that incident and you just abandon me aside when i really need you the most.
i kept crying when i went to mr ang's lesson. >.< I think he thinks that i m crying over my maths or something. LOls. so coincidentally, the tears always come before his maths tutorial.
but i am determined to stop the tears from now. i hope i can do it. i dun want people to worry for me anymore. i want back that cheerful me. i want back that minmin who will smile from the bottom of her heart. and really smile. it's hard but i will try my best to do it.
and alevels is coming. really looming near. i cant let it affect me anymore.
and shuhan was so sweet today. lols. she got me happy food and wrote a snoopy note. (:
i felt really blessed to have you all.
stay strong, for the people who love you. do not cry for the person who is not worth it.
the very funny thing is, you do not even know that the tears were cause of...
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fianlly i am done with the xue shan fei hu ppt. looking at the number of chinese words that i have typed, gradually have a sense of satisfaction (:
lunch with the swimmers today (: it has been so long since i have lunch with them, due to the super screwed timetable which i have. sighs. it's just so so so different from them larhs. but i wanted to go for the super nice pastry further down the road, but the food was pretty tempting. so ate real food with them. LOLs.
and we tried out this weird specs by emo han. LOLs. hilarious. and take picture while we cross the road -_-||| hahahas.
then it was mugging and mugging. felt pretty productive. (: just love being with swimmers (:
anyway, i realised i may be pretty tactless these few days. sorry to anyone if my words have hurt you in a way or another. it's just i am not in a really good mood these few days.
and i still duno if i should just leave. i dun want to hurt that someone who have been hurt by me before. and i dun want to feel detached. but in order to make sure that i wont see the ths that i dun want to, i have to leave. aiyar. complicated.
that phone call. i doubted. i dont know how to react. to me, i still duno if you have changed. i duno whether to take a step forward or a step back. but i dun want to regret in future.
and to my dearest shu han (if you see this): just hope that you will cheer up (: dun worry so much and think so much. it's not good for health. dun be an emo-han. be a happy sexy slim and slender shu! (: much loves!
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finally i get to rest for awhile before chiong-ing again.
many are asking what happened. i duno what to say. or rather i duno how to say. and i dun want to say anything cause saying it will just cause a surge of emotions and those tears just flow out somehow. but deep in my heart, really hope that someone could just give me a solution so that i wont feel so miserable anymore.
have been trying to keep myself busy by keep working and working and working, studying and studying and studying. but somehow, you feel that at the back of your mind, there is this burden that weighs you down.
i kept thinking about those words which you said to me before. i could not bring myself to think of your bad points. those little things that you did, those touching words that you said, somehow, it just floods my mind. somehow, i cant hate you for being what you are now.
but what you did that day really pisses me off. do you know how bad i felt after that. or rather, you never know?
i really really dun wish to see those things. i am trying hard to avoid, avoid, avoid.but i dun wish history to repeat itself. i really duno how.
enough about that. the day started alright with meeting up with huiting. seeing her just cheer me up somehow. and she knows me just inside out.
school was tiring. pe was even more. circuit training. it has been so so so long since i have land training. felt really weak when doing the circuit. and somehow i dun have the motivation. guess i aint doing it with the swimmers that's why? miss those times when we will go rah rah rah to cheer pple on.
mugging with the swimmers was fun! LOLs. i mean at least, being with them just cheer me up somehow. we are swimming a 800m race now! we must jiayou!
it's ironical how i wish that pple arnd me will just cheer up and not be sad, when i cant set a good eg. irony.
i just feel like puking everything that i ate everytime. food doesnt taste that nice anymore.
am i in the wrong are are you at fault?
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i have been through rather an emo week.
Last race on wednesday at toa payoh swimming complex. wasnt so emo until shuhan told me that everything is ending soon. the relay ended off everything.
then went to furama hotel for victory dinner. i am lazy to upload photos. but it was an awesome night with the swimmers. we take numerous photos, but they dun seem that many afterall. the many memories just suddenly flood my mind when sue kind of cried cause she couldnt give us the little message which she prepared for us.
from not being attached to the team to getting to know sue shu and rach tan, from the split in the team to the bonded as one team which we have now, from thinking that joining swimming means just going for training to now in which going for training means more time with the other swimmers, many many many things have changed. i am really really amazed by the progress which we have made over the months. the many changes made me feel that we went through years in swimming.
it's too much memories to bear. have never thought that stepping down from swim team would be so fast. i thought, the year3s have just handed the swim team to us. in the blink of an eye, we are leaving and soon we are giving the year ones to take over the team.
things did not go really right this week. i guess i really do not want to know an answer at all. i just hope to endure through this difficult period. it has been made more difficult with someone entering into the picture now. i dont know. i din know that u could actually change so fast. so fast that i could not manage to accept and cope with the change at all. i have to force myself to not think of somethings that i shouldnt think of now. it's really really hard. but i have no more tears anymore. really tired from crying. what can i say. that i really really hope that things didnt turn out this way. i wish that somehow, there is a pill call the "erase memory" pill in which after taking it, i could forget all about you, the many memories we used to share. but i guess, u have found another world of your own, isnt it?
in my heart, i can no longer hold inside, all of the love i used to hide...
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It's left with Victory Dinner and soon it's stepping down from swimming. though there is still water polo, but things are gonna be different. just different. i miss the competitive stroke i have. monday swim was crap. i duno why. somehow i cant feel my stroke anymore. i feel weak. i dun have the motivation to go on. but well, i guess that's what happened after nats?
i guessed alot are disappointed in me for my results. sorry but i expected this outcome. i tried my best to work things out during the june hols, ensuring that i can balance training everyday and studies. but this is the best i can do, and the best i can make out of it. sorry but really, i tried my best. i promise to do better and bring out the best for my prelims.
and i guess i have to let you go at this moment. i think you know my stand. no doubt, i have to admit that i cant bear to do so, but for the sake of my Alevels and prelims, i guess i have to make a sacrifice. but it's really painful. really. i duno how to endure through. but i duno. get really jealous when i see some stuff. but what can i say. i kept asking myself, if i put myself in ur shoes, would i step back. and my immediate answer is yes. i will. i dun blame you for stepping back. i guess i have hurt u enough. but i really duno how to ensure that we both can be happy when i cldnt put in time and effort to maintain this "relationship" that we have. i am afraid of losing you. i am afraid of regrets. but i have to set my priorities right. but i cant bring myself to stop being jealous when i saw those things. i miss those times, i miss the past, i miss those messages, i miss you at this time, this moment. i guess i miss you even when u are just right beside me.
minmin, learn to focus and concentrate!
on a happier note, it's victory dinner and everyone will dress up tmr! yeah.
tjc swim team 06/07, we quarrel, we fight, but still we unite
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800m
400m
free
it's over
i am proud of myself
but there are also things that i am disappointed about
wouldnt say what i did here
but guess most of my closest buds know what happened
the hiccups that happened
the unexpected things which happened
but still
i am proud of myself
proud that i swim like never before
thanks team, for being proud of me.
thanks team, for being there when i just break down and cry
thanks team, for giving me all the support and comfort i need
thanks team, for having faith and believing in me
thanks team, for everything which u all did
thanks team, for making me smile when i felt really down
thanks team, for not blaming me
really touched by everything which each of you did
esp thanks to jing hean, who scolded me for crying, but it was for a good cause
he woke me up from my lala land
but at that point of time
when reality strikes
i couldnt see the bigger picture
but now
yes
i see it
more or less
there are bound to be regrets
but i wont cry over it anymore
if jing hean ever see this,
just wanna say thank you for scolding me
though it was really harsh...
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as the time draws nearer to tmr morning,
i am becoming more and more gan chiong.
sucks
WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME
ESP MS WONG HUITING
HUMPH
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND HER SINCE MORNING BUT DIDNT MANAGE TO
HUMPH
I AM DAMN FRUSTRATED
GRRGRRR
EVERYONE IS IGNORING ME LARHS
THIS IS SO IRRITATING
den sue was like
why cant u talk to shu about it
why must find huiting
actually i also duno
it's just
i want to find her larhs
grrgrrr
WONG HUITING
WHERE EXACTLY ARE YOU
SUPER FRUSTRATED NOW LARHS
GRRGRR
WHY EVERYTIME WANT TO FIND YOU LIKE SUPER URGENTLY U ARE ALWAYS NOT THERE
i am damn emo and insane for the whole day
i spent like duno how much on food
i ate like duno how many stuff today
sometimes
it just makes me wonder
u said that u will be there for me
but what exactly did u do when i needed u the most
u dun understand what i am going tru at all
u just choose to change the topic when i try to tell u how bad i feel
like wth
and makes things worse
i feel like
i am so irritated
pple say that u are a jerk
i din choose to believe
i thought perhaps i was wrong in making u say those things
but as time goes by
i gradually believe them
why must u always make me feel as if...
argh
cant u just understand what i feel
and stop trying make me feel worse
or rather only care about YOURSELF
argh
i am so irritated
and pple say that they are your true friends
or rather u think that they are
but sometimes
pple that u think who are are not
instead
it's those whom u neglected who stand by u...
it makes me feel that i shldnt have put in that much effort afterall.
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TOMORROW IS THE DAY
the day which i prepared so hard for
trying to improve for one and a half years
my 800m free event
but i cant describe how scared i m at the moment
i dun want to compete
i dun want to know the truth
i dun want to face up to reality
i dun want to see the seed times of the other swimmers
i dun want to see those pro club swimmers
i dun want i dun want i dun want
i want to go sch tmr
even if it means taking back results
i really hate this feeling
can someone relieve me of this.
argh.
everyone is getting people to support them
do i want
i duno
it only means more stress for me perhaps
but i also duno
argh
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