All That I've Got

Wednesday, June 13, 2007
-8:21:00 PM-

i cannot control my tears anymore. it's overflowing whenever i think of you, think of what i have to go through and everything. the stress is piling on me, the expectations which i know i cant meet, the kind of comments which i will receive cause i never meet those expectations and stuff. argh.

interjc today. i din do PBs at all. mr fun said that i panicked for 100m free. which is true. i cant swim my own race. i m afraid of my opponents. i feel inferior.

as for 50m free. it wasnt to my expected timing.

200m free. i think i din give in my best. i feel that i can go for another round after swimming it. but at least for this swim, i feel contented and i din panick. though i m off PB by 3 seconds :(

aiyar. overall it was crap. really crap.

i m damn scared for nats now. i cant perform to my training level. mr fun was like saying
huimin you werent like that for training.
you are not performing like what u do for training.

yar. i felt that too. i duno how. i feel really tired. it's like one/two race and it will be over. and u train so hard. in the end, cos of anxiety you lose everything. EVERYTHING.

i told sue that i felt that
i reached my peak for everything and it's going downslope, be it studies, be it swimming.
my life revolves arnd training, notes, tutorials, papers and papers and stack of papers.
it's just water and papers.

how am i going to perform like training. perform at my peak. perform at my best. when i lose all stroke techniques and starts to panic when i stand on the plunging board.

for once, i am afraid of swimming.

and i yearn for an encouragement from u. but u din. instead, you gave me a feeling that u cant understand what i feel and what i am going through. perhaps we are really from two different worlds. u dun understand what i want and what i m trying to go for. the two worlds cant meet.

i reached my peak already. i cant go further anymore.

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