Navigation:
What Is Left Of Me
mInmIn
17
20th august 1989
Temasek Junior College
LOVES <3
Family
Friends
Tjc Swim Team
The special ONE
I swear that i have been through the most stressful period of my 17 years of life.
it's stress that lasted for one month.
tears that could fill i duno how many buckets.
finally it's all over.
the kind of LIBERATION
i yearn for it for duno how long
i am going to FLUNK MY JCT.
this time is for real
for every paper that i went for
i dun have the facts
dun have the knowledge
dun have everything
i m so dead.
and i haven tell my parents about it.
but what i really felt sad about is that
i really did study.
but perhaps, i didnt really manage to concentrate because of the everyday trainings.
but yar.
PRELIMS AND ALEVELS
my next fight
i must do well for that.
but i felt really really helpless for biology. haiz.
but before that,
it's NATIONALS that i am facing NEXT WEEK
i cant imagine that in just a week time,
my term in TJC SWIM TEAM is going to end like that.
no more
I HAVE TRAINING
I DID MY PB
I WANT TO TRAIN...
blah blah blah...
i guess more or less
the tears will come during Victory dinner
yea...
but well
i need to concentrate on my studies already...
and i still duno how to swim my 800m and 400m without cramps!
annoying can!
i actually cramped during BROKEN SWIM
like wth
it's just BROKEN SWIM
still will cramp
HELLO
what's wrong with me man.
but i m really scared about who am i going to face next tues and wed. ARGH.
can i just live in my lalala land.
i love today. cause it's no more JCT day.
walked arnd in SHENG SIONG with huiting just now
i realised how much i was deprived of the outside world
i got fasinated by everything
cause it has been so long since i last shopped with no worries and stress
and i really think that huiting just know me inside out man
hahhas.
and i guessed this period has been really really tough for me
thanks for standing by me (: i guessed there are many who have really brought me through this tough period. really appreciate all the encouragement, messages and calls. (:
i think stress can really make a person slim down.
i ate really alot during this jct.
chocolates, sweets, sweetened drinks blah blah blah
all those sinful stuff
and caramel corn which is 500kcal!
hahas
but i lost weight
LOLs
hope i dun gain back.
i m looking forward to the weekend! (:
finally it's outing with the many pple!!! and uh oh.
qien's and dihui's bday present is so gonna take up all my time
i hope i can make it in time!
and there is training later! and the last dinner after that :(
i will treasure each and every moment at ITE SIMEI with the swimmers from now on.
it was liberation from you during jct. and now with liberation from jct, u filled my mind once again. why cant i get liberated from you permenantly.
_______________
i felt as if i dropped from heaven to hell now.
i dun want to swim anymore.
upon looking at the seed time and the swimmers for 800m free and 400m free,
i really dun want to swim anymore
i hate to tear like this.
i thought i have tried to be strong for the past few days already.
i thought i have try to remember those words u told me.
but apparently,
upon looking at the timings,
i really dont want to swim anymore.
this kind of feeling sucks.
it really sucks.
_______________
i cannot control my tears anymore. it's overflowing whenever i think of you, think of what i have to go through and everything. the stress is piling on me, the expectations which i know i cant meet, the kind of comments which i will receive cause i never meet those expectations and stuff. argh.
interjc today. i din do PBs at all. mr fun said that i panicked for 100m free. which is true. i cant swim my own race. i m afraid of my opponents. i feel inferior.
as for 50m free. it wasnt to my expected timing.
200m free. i think i din give in my best. i feel that i can go for another round after swimming it. but at least for this swim, i feel contented and i din panick. though i m off PB by 3 seconds :(
aiyar. overall it was crap. really crap.
i m damn scared for nats now. i cant perform to my training level. mr fun was like saying
huimin you werent like that for training.
you are not performing like what u do for training.
yar. i felt that too. i duno how. i feel really tired. it's like one/two race and it will be over. and u train so hard. in the end, cos of anxiety you lose everything. EVERYTHING.
i told sue that i felt that
i reached my peak for everything and it's going downslope, be it studies, be it swimming.
my life revolves arnd training, notes, tutorials, papers and papers and stack of papers.
it's just water and papers.
how am i going to perform like training. perform at my peak. perform at my best. when i lose all stroke techniques and starts to panic when i stand on the plunging board.
for once, i am afraid of swimming.
and i yearn for an encouragement from u. but u din. instead, you gave me a feeling that u cant understand what i feel and what i am going through. perhaps we are really from two different worlds. u dun understand what i want and what i m trying to go for. the two worlds cant meet.
i reached my peak already. i cant go further anymore.
_______________
went beyond what i thought i couldnt achieve during training (:
1min 50sec for 10x100m broken swim. proud, really proud of myself.
but my arms feel like they are going to ehs. fall off any moment? >.<
how to train tmr in this condition >>>.<<<
but i will hang in there. i hope i can. though i really feel like dying.
i m super stressed out. jcts, swimming, competition, trainings, stacks of notes to mug. just kill me.
pls. dun have high expectations of me for this jct. i promise i will do better.
i felt really trapped by all those emotions. sometimes i really wish to say it all out. just say what i feel. stop trying to put up a strong front. but somehow, something is holding me back. i duno what though.
guardian, i know that i hurt you once again. but sorry. not at this point of time. i guess i need to sort out my feelings before anything. but that's only after A levels.
FOCUS MIN!
_______________
i dont deny that i am missing you now.
but i guess we are too stubborn to do anything about it.
or rather i m too stubborn and not initiative at all.
i know i am at fault
but
i dont know what's holding me back.
things were fine.
i was able to keep to the promise i have for myself
i was able to remember what huiting said to me.
but whenever that song plays,
i cant help but think of the many things that we did, that you said, that you did.
the memories were too much to bear.
i miss you like crazy now.
but i hope that i m able to hold out.
muffin gal says that we have to be geared towards the end of year. yah. i have to hold on.
i cant stop thinking of you.
黄金海岸的岸边 我们肩并著肩
洁净的蓝天 清澈的水面 吻成一条海平线
看你温柔的双眼 弹著吉他的弦
歌词是诺言 旋律是依恋 唱出一首五月天
五月的天 刚诞生的夏天
我们之间 才完成的爱恋
紧握的手里面 有好多明天
五月的天 梦开始要鲜豔
前方蜿蜒 一长串的心愿
我们一天一天 慢慢实现
我应该选择被动还是主动.我很乱.到底要怎样,才能不要让彼此受折磨...
_______________
saw the muffin gurl today (((: all smiles. finally things are better btw us. talked quite abit. she rem like everything that we used to talk abt, things that i do and stuff. ((: i m so glad that things are so much better now. lalalala. and i saw muffin guy ytd. hahas.
but i realised that as i gained something, i lose something too.
something nasty happened ytd. dun wish to elaborate more on it. hais. but thanks for the ice-cream treat which i couldnt stay for as my parents want me to go home like right away. but still thanks. appreciate it alot.
back from penanag on thurs. miss penang. i miss...
the prank calls by room 219
the lame jokes by daryl tan, chinhock and sherman.
the eating tgt with these three guys who forever acted like gays.
the giving of food to these three guys. hahas. i dun want to eat so much mahs. while these three guys are really big eaters. hahas. so we always sit at the same table so that i can distribute my food to them.
the competition (though i din do well for 100m but managed to cut 23 sec for my 200m free ((: )
the salty water in penanag chinese swimming club. they actually just filter the sea water from the beach and it goes right into the swimming pool
the kachiaoing by swimmers (esp shuhan)
the late night mugging
the food (i gained weight cos of it! :( ) it's endless eating larhs. we eat dessert after main course and the main course is alot, mind you.
the cam whoring sessions
the small pillow fight with shuhan
the massage session which i din tahan all the way, cos it was really itchy and it sets me laughing all the way, so mr loh decided that i shall not be massaged since i cant tahan the itchy feeling. lols. for pple who know me well, you know i hate pple to massage me or touch my shoulders or what. cos i m really really very very sensitive.
the lesson learnt, the discussion
the late night room service which we called for
the shopping (which werent that interesting to me)
the heart to heart talks we have
the hopping of hotel rooms
the sleeping, dozing off
the long bus journeys
the fact that i created havoc in glendon, jiehan and johnathan hotel room. it was really funny. cause they said that i m so much more refined. so i acted to be refined in their room. and said that i m a cinderella waiting for my white horse to fetch me home. hahas. i m a refined cinderella. hahas. and i dun eat famous amos cause i m famous enough (:
and many many things. so many things can happen in four days.
really reaally miss penang. argh. it's left with two weeks and all will come to an end soon. hais.
i m confused over what you did, what you say and what you actually want. i dun like this kind of on and off treatment. cant we just talk it out and settle things once and for all. i m tired of all these. i really wanna noe what exactly do you want and feel. and dun assume that i dun care abt you at all, will you. when i actually cared. just that i m not gd at expressing myself in this kind of things. i dun like to say it out. i really hate this kind of on and off treatment.
_______________
are you trying to punish me or something.
why must u do this to me.
i m feeling so helpless now.
i thought that these tears have stopped,long ago.
i thought that i m over you long ago.
but i m wrong.
why do u ask that qn.
are u preparing to leave me soon.
or what.
i m tired. tired of everything in my life.
i wanted to tell you truthfully that the answer is that
i cant do w/o you.
but i duno how to say it.
i duno how to put it.
_______________
