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What Is Left Of Me
mInmIn
17
20th august 1989
Temasek Junior College
LOVES <3
Family
Friends
Tjc Swim Team
The special ONE
so finished hanxing's tag, shall blog.
anyway, this week has been a pretty up and down week for me. really like going on a roller coaster ride like that. anyway, thanks my dear huiting and yawen for standing by me when i really needed just that. you two really touched me. the things u all said, u all did, just making sure that i m alright. that's enough. =)
drama performance is coming up. i think the people in drama are really nice people. it's like i duno how to say. but they are just very nice pple. you dun feel weird talking to them abt things. yupp. but i think we have to be more efficient. really. anyway, going for rehearsals now are not really a chore for me now. i just love spending some time with drama sometimes.
training on friday really gave me a great sense of accomplishment. thanks ivan for the pacing! =) but i nearly died after sprinting for 16 x 50m. felt like giving up during the 12th set and onwards. but yeah. with ur team mate pacing and pushing u, u cant afford to give up. but i realised i have a habit of holding really tight on the lane rope when i feel really tired and wanted to give up. hahas.
i will miss dinner with the swim team for two weeks!!! =( bet lenard they all will go for the 50 percent discount w/o me!!!!
and there are SO MANY SO MANY MAY BABIES!!!! oh no. how how. and these MAY BABIES are really IMPT PPLE. hahas. i must do something for them. hmmm. i m really cracking my brains to do personalised stuff for these IMPT PPLE. hahas.
and i feel really demoralised in my studies. i have never felt like that before. i really cldnt grasp the concepts in maths and bio. argh. it's driving me really crazy. and so i shall go grasp them now. hais.
huiting
i really admired ur courage to do that thing.
i will never be able to do that.
i know i have to come to a decision soon.
but u noe i cant.
i duno how.
but i wont allow myself to get hurt again.
i wont.
my stand is pretty much there already.
i learnt my lesson.
it really hurts.
swimming. studies. no more.
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Replying to Hanxing tag. hahas. eh. i cant copy the things he want me to do. anyway, it's something like 6 perculiar things abt myself.
1) i cant drink milk. i m allergic to it since young. be it cow's milk or goat's milk. i dont drink milk to grow up! >.<
2) i can just cry for no reason.
3) i love cute cute stuff. though i m like 17 plus 18 years old now. hahas. but i still love all those adorable stuff like soft toys! hahas. but i dun like barbie dolls. i like cute cute stuff that can be hugged.
4) i get jealous very easily. really. be it studies, family, friendship or relationships.
5) somewhat like huiyi, i like guys who dressed themselves up formally. like in collar long-sleeved shirts. i think guys look really smart and shuai in this dress code. hahas. that explains why i look forward to the coming NATIONALS VICTORY DINNER. hahas. swim team guys must dress up abit more formal for this dinner like last year! =)
6) i think alot. really ALOT. so much so that i think i will turn insane one day cos of it. hahas.
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life has been pretty much the same these few days. school, den trainings, home, sleep, school and everything repeats. sick of the routine but yahs. just 20 plus weeks to go and i will be freed.
sue got 2nd and 4th in the 800m and 400m events for tj's track and field. so happy and proud of her. hahas. the team cheered like crazy during her 800m event that i felt like i have no voice after the thing. she said that she could her us for the whole event =)
talking abt track and field championships, i was dumb enough to agree to join the 3km run. i nearly died. but yeah. thanks to qien, sue, shuqi and lenard, managed to survive the run and did a above expectation timing. hahas. but i wont do such dumb things ever again. which explains why i refuses to sub verena or xuanyun for their 800m event. no way man. somemore is short dist. sorry.
i have to go back to school for drama after training today!!!!!!!!! like how? and i will be super tired. sobs. and the fact that the back gate will not be opened and i have to walk to the front gate is irritating. and i have equipments to carry which are so heavy!!! GRRRGRRRGRRR.
i felt like i m being driven crazy by you.
i duno what's the meaning of all these and i really wish to know.
i feel so lost towards what you say sometimes.
i duno if it means the truth or was it just a lie or was it just the norm that you would do.
i dun deny that the special feeling is there.
but whenever i take the initiative, u remained laid back.
and when u took the initiative, i chose to reject.
not cos i dun appreciate your efforts,
it's just i duno when i should and when i should not.
you think that my world is complicated to understand,
i think the same of yours too.
i duno how you tried to understand my world and actually know the pple arnd me.
but i realised i cant do the same for you.
i really dun understand your world.
and i really wish that i could understand.
i felt more and more distant from you
and u are colder to me now
i dun wish to ask
but deep in my heart,
i wish to know why.
i may seem not to care
but i actually do
really do.
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yeah! rejoice! 4 days of training is finally over. i thought i wldnt survive tru this week. but actually things arent that bad. finally my arms and ankle can rest now~
today's mass swim was quite tiring. i hate sprints sets. u cover less distance but feel more tired. but yeah! Mr Fun's words really made me feel much better. =)
finally after months, i got it!
celebrated sue and rach birthdays ytd. the brownie cake was super nice. if only it is not sinful. i would have snatch the whole thing. hahas. swimmers are recently on a healthy diet for i duno why. and ivan managed to get a refund for the cake cos rach's name was spelt wrongly. hahas. yeah. so we will have another ice-cream treat next fri. woots.
i feel so far from my As sometimes. it's like... after mugging so much and upon getting the qn paper, u still have nth to write. grrr. grrr.
and swimming season is in july. which means my june hols are full of trainings. argh. and everyone's season end by then. except water sports. >.< but i m looking forward to the Penang trip. sounds fun. with fun pple. hahas.
有时我真的很想问为何我们要这样彼此伤害.
这样就能得到快乐吗?
那种因为嫉妒而得到的快乐,
就是你我所谓的"喜悦"吗?
我不想在这样挣扎下去了.
如果你想得到的是那种结果,
那我真的看错了.
我不喜欢被你控制的感觉,
我不喜欢你设法让我吃醋的行为.
好无聊,好幼稚.
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had a happy day today :) it has been so long since i felt this kind of happiness. last week was really bad. i was totally in a foul mood like everyday.
i managed to fight my fears and the pain during today's training =) training was horrible last fri. i could nt exert my left hand to pull at all as my chest hurts whenever i do so. the pain was so unbearable. but at least, for today, i managed to fight whatever pain i felt =) really satisfied. and did my PB too! shuqi did hers too! yeah! but my ankle hurts though. argh. >.< ok. stop whining.
rach lim said that we have 39 trainings left before nats. 39 trainings. it's amazing how soon we are leaving the team. training maybe tough and tiring. but i dun feel like leaving the water and the team. how i wish that A levels can just dun exist. perfect world.
i am confused regarding those feelings. i know somehow, part of me is not following the logical mind of mine. are both of us trying to forget what has happened or is stopping the situation from getting worse. i duno. all i know is... u seem to be colder now....
on the other hand, the things that u told me today really touched me =) really brighten up my day.
i really love the life i m living now, apart from the stress from studies. how i wish that time would just stop.
thanks to the many who accompanied and encouraged me through these few days, which were kind of tough for me, due to so many things happening and taking place, draining me bit by bit. but if werent for u all, i guess i wont be able to survive through.
Stay strong. I hope i can.
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