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What Is Left Of Me
mInmIn
17
20th august 1989
Temasek Junior College
LOVES <3
Family
Friends
Tjc Swim Team
The special ONE
Photos with SWEETIE!
i guess things wont get better and i dont know how.
the many crossroads which i am faced with. i really dont know which one to choose. how i wish that i could just predict the future and decide the path from here.
i miss her all of a sudden. it jus kind of dawn upon me that perhaps i wouldnt be so lost with her around. cos it was always her who provided me with support last year, the stressful period before promos. it was she who proved to me that the hard work will not be to no avail. but everything ended just like that. and i duno why. she was such a mature gurl. but i will never forget that phone call. the last call which we had. and i regretted not picking up that call this year. perhaps that call could change what it is now.
if only i could turn back time... and if only i could predict ur thoughts..
你为什么选择了放弃，为什么你总是为别人着想，但从没想过自己．．．也许也就因为如此，我才会那么惦记你．．．因为在这虚假的世界，只又你仍然选择相信这世界是美好的，你选择用真诚去感动我那已绝望的心．但是你的离开，又狠狠地把我从美梦唤醒．．．原来那美好的你是不存在的，我太天真了．．．
我很累．．．真的快要窒息了．．仿佛觉得我一经不知道什么是享受，什么是快乐，什么是真正从心里的微笑．．．已经好久没有那单纯的快乐．．．
我已失去了斗志，我不想在斗下去．．但我发现，原来人们只会利用你的弱点来狠狠地攻击你，攻击你那没防备的心．．．当脆弱的心已一次又一次地受到打击，又何从能复活，去相信人是善良的，是真诚的，为你所做的一切是没有心机的，是不要求回报的．为何我所面对的人（某些人）总是那么地不简单，所做的每一件事，表面上是要激励你，其实是要趁你不注意时，狠狠地咬你一口，把你的皮拨了，让你的肉体受尽折磨，让你的心灵无法承受那残酷的事实．．．
信念与信任，我曾经是如此地崇拜它们，但渐渐地发现，原来它也是背叛的其中只一．．．
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CNY with huiyi and gang! really love to spend time with them. they never fail to brighten ur day. no matter how down u may feel. esp with WU XUANDE arnd! hahas. thanks for being so chirpy and always lifting the spirits up! and huiyi too! sure can crap with Xuande! i wanna be both of your UNI mates soon!
i think the lightings of this pic is really nice and natural! huiyi and me at sakae!
Xuande and I. He is trying to be a model for his newly bought bag. >.<
Huiyi and Xuande trying to be models for their respective bags. hahas. this is funny.
finally huiwen agreed to take photos!!! she is camera shy! hahas. RIVER ANGBAO! i played my first bumper car here!
XUANDE SCARY FACE!
it is supposed to be a stupid pic following xuande's face. did we succeed or is does xuande looks stupid-ier?hahas
last pic in the mrt, before we bade goodbye! I din manage to give huiyi and xuande a hug as we were in the train. hmmm. wonder when will we meet again? *BIG BIG HUGS*
CUTE AARON and me! he is really really good in ENGLISH and really really a clever kid. he wants to be a a pilot when he grows up so that he could fetch my aunt and cousins from Shanghai to Singapore. SO SWEET.
my chio bu cousin! she is really really a pretty gurl. dont u agree? hahas.
Mummy and I!
Putting up some of the vday pics~
all the presents! letters, food, flowers blah blah blah.
the really nice sunflower which the swim team guys gave. and i really wonder if i should eat it soon
FOOD!
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yeah! i ran for road run! hahas. i m satisfied with the timing bah i guess. =) but it would be better if i werent sick. sighs.
din manage to go kushin.bo as i was running a fever after the run. sorry gurl. =(
and i regretted running for road run cos my condition worsened after the it. but anyway, now that it is finally gone, i felt that i made the right choice to run! =)
and angeline, when would u meet up with qien these few days? =P
and finally i confirmed my doubts regarding something. i have tried to change my views, my perspective, my attitude and whatever it takes to help. but apparently, well, some brainless fellows just wont appreciate it. since my doubt has been confirmed, i have found my motivation (= i have kind of fulfilled the promise i made to myself last year. in a way, i have succeeded in a way or another. i will build on what i have now.
for once, i believed that it doesnt pay to be kind
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Vday was a blast. =) except that i din really enjoyed it to the fullest cos i felt so awful b4 chem spa. and i really thought that i m just going to flunk my chem spa which makes up 5% of A's. cos i couldnt rem the facts at all and am trying to cope with the awful feeling inside me. luckily everything went well. but i could not train in the end. felt so weak during the sets that i decided to stop training. and the fact that i have ALOT of lessons on thurs and road run on fri! i want to do a better timing!
i learnt a lesson. never try too much of ur vday present. cos u will fall sick as u are eating too much heaty food. >.<
anyway, Vday started off with the exchanging of gifts. Hope that all were satisfied with my gifts. ok. if it really tastes not nice, must tell me kaes. at least i can improve. rather than having the delusion that i could make. eh... cookies and chocolates? hahas. ok. but am glad that all were satisfied and said that it was nice. =))
anyway, the surprise that huiting was saying was that ELVIN KOH SENT ROSES TO ALL THE PEOPLE OF PAE 2406. thanks for being so sweeeettttt. i bet u really lived on bread cos of it. but still, thanks so much,really. sighs. how i wish u were still in TJ. MISS U LOADS. i miss the first three months we had together!!!!! ok. i will arrange a get together dinner soon~
and i want to give u ur VDAY present. is there a postman for it???!!!! hahas.
another sweet event was the swim team guys actually went on stage to sing "My Love" during lunch. i knew that Mr Loh wouldnt call us to meet at 1230 at marquee! hahas. and so it was cos the swim team guys wanted to sing a song. anyway, the song was really nice and Jie Han could really sing. =D and the sunflower which the guys gave was really nice too. cant bear to eat it. but i guessed it would be rotten if we dont eat it soon. LOL.
also, qiling, eunice, jiahui and peifen did cookies for the whole class. their cookies were superb. really really nice. It makes u really want more once u eat one. and i ate like 2-3? hahas. sinful sinful. but their cookies are really really really nice. =D thanks for baking and the letters and the peg (is it call peg)? >.<
thanks to sixuan and verena, six and four years of friendship respectively. got "tortured" by si xuan for SIX YEARS!!! hahas. ok larhs. she is a nice person. just that she tends to disturb u when she knows how to. =P
the most creative present was by qien. his letter was wrote on SUBWAY TISSUE PAPER. cos he did not have any postcards left and we were in the library. so he decided to write on tissue paper. but it looks quite nice though. =D
yawen and fenglin's letters were nicely done up. =)
huiting, thanks for the cookies! though i haven tried it as i cant eat anything now. hahas. and the letter and coordinating with elvin to plan the surprise for pae cg2406 pple. though u are really bad not to tell me what is the surprise and tempting me to try to find out. u jus love torturing pple. =P
jiayi, thanks for the erm. i really duno what's the name of the flower. yeah. our friendship withstood the test of time and will forever stand no matter what. =)
sue chee's keychain was really creative. i really pei fu her skills in art man. so nicely done and practical. will hang it around. but just scared that it will be spoilt being a clumsy me~ >.<
and there were alot of foodies. and they are tempting me every moment. so feel like eating them. but well, i cant. >.< daddy nagged at me for 7 times, repeating the same old sentence for eating heaty food and getting sick. oh well.
the only bad thing that happened on VDAY was the fact that we have chem spa and i cant join the swimmers during training and for dinner.
i want to hear the many stories.
perhaps, i m really disappointed about what i heard though i still do not know the insides of it. but still, i duno. perhaps i m just holding on cos i know i have to.
thanks for the care and concern. it really means alot esp when u feel lost.
i m feeling really awful. should i run? sighs. i want a gd timing. ARGH.
i shouldnt have gone to sch today. ARGH.
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Everytime when i opened the window in blogger, i m at a lost of what to type. Have a lot to type actually. but just well, lose all the thoughts everytime i opened this window.
Have been thinking if i should continue working hard for that goal. I am really motivated from inside. but everytime, once i touched it, i lost all the motivation, the goals, the passion. To believe it or not, I am scared of it now. i dont want to enter it. i am going for the sake of another goal. but not that destination. would i say that i am tired. not exactly. but am afraid to know the results. to know that all my hard work would be to no avail. to know that i cant reach that goal. that goal is really far. really really far. i duno how am i going to improve till the point that i could achieve what i expected of myself and what people expect of me.
it makes u feel even more suffocated when no one understands what u are going through, thinking that u could make it eventually. when no, u jolly know that u couldnt. I dont want to disappoint those who have high hopes of me, i really dont want. but my limits are really reached. i have really tried. but i dont know what exactly is holding me back to try harder. I really dont know and really really desperately wish to know.
all those negative thoughts start coming once i enter it. i couldnt get it off my mind. i know it is affecting me greatly. but those negative thoughts just haunt me once i enter till i leave. how m i supposed to perform my peak. I really dont know. sometimes, i wonder, perhaps i should give up cos it would mean nothing in the end. but on the other hand, i wanna work hard cos there is that teeny weeny possibility that i could achieve something that i have never know.
i am really in a dilemma. i know i have to make a decision soon.but who can. when u are faced with two different perspectives which you may or may not achieve.
SIGH. time is running out.
on another note, just saw something on huiyi's blog which what she said is really true. at least, widening one's social circle tru clubbing is definitely not a sensible option. What exactly is the friendship through clubbing build on? and girls stooping themselves so low just to get a free drink?
Well, too many things have happened for the past week which really sets me thinking.
and something happened which really made me feel that i have to be mean towards some pple who just dont have brains and have only put themselves at the centre of the world, never thinking of other people's feelings.
and on a happier note, angeline could come tj to join us le! yeah! =D so happy for qi en and her. they are able to be in the same college. and angeline could help us with someone. LOL. =)
i hope my Vday present could succeed. and yw asked me if i m making someth special which really sets me thinking if i should.
and stupid huiting refuses to tell me what's the thing that is really so special that is going to happen on WED. GRR.
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i m LOST. what are my goals? what exactly do i want? i duno.
living tru each week in school is hell to me.
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finally the three tests are over. was damn stressed ytd. so much so that i reached my breaking pt. nvm about that. what past is past.
ytd training's was really special. the swimmers dropped off at the jetty that brings you to BMTC and "walk" back to tj. 16km in total. and actually it's not walk. cos mr fun's speed for walking is my jogging can. feel like dying when walking on the grass patch that stretches over changi airport's runway. i was practically running all the way. felt really tired. but well, we have to endure it through. then after walking on the grass patch (which only have sand and twigs deem as interesting), we finally see interesting things like SAFRA RESORT, the beach, traffic lights. ya. for once, i miss seeing the traffic lights. cos u imagine walking along a LONG LONG stretch of road with nth but a whole patch of grass in front of you, and cars zoom past you and long vehicles too.
managed to brace myself for the last few km from east coast park to tj. really dying at that pt of time. could feel a huge buildup of lactic acid in my legs. oh i walked past the Safra Resort in which 2GR chalet was held. everything was the same. the scenery is still as nice.
and finally we reached tj's back gate at 0700pm. ya. our target. and we did it. 2hrs and 45mins of running plus walking, covering 16km in total, with the swimmers who make it possible. and mr fun too. -D
but my legs hurt so much now. i cant walk properly. i hope my legs could recover soon. cos finally tmr is water training. it has been so long since i enter the water. i love the water. esp the clean water in ITE SIMEI.
i am not alright when i smile. that was a fake smile afterall.
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