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What Is Left Of Me
mInmIn
17
20th august 1989
Temasek Junior College
LOVES <3
Family
Friends
Tjc Swim Team
The special ONE
i miss someone who is overseas again.
hais. such a coincidence that u are always overseas when i feel really down and could only tell you that thing as u r the only person who knows and understand. i miss that call ytd. i wanna talk to u! =(
still wondering if i shld go training tmr or not. my illness kinda manifest. and i dun wanna take the cough mixture nor the flu medicine. cos it causes drowsiness. >.<
how i wish i m away now too. i dun wish to face up to this hurting reality.
i thought all along, u have accepted wad i m. but apparently i m wrong. i guess everything shall end here and i will not let myself get lost in the tunnel. i will find my way out. and get distant. thanks for the many memories....
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i will never ever take wine/alcohol ever again. hangover sucks like hell. i guess i m such a lousy drinker. and i drank so little larhs. but still i wont ever dare to take it again.
MOS party was pretty alright. i love rachel's bracelet. yupps. gonna get it in thailand. but the music kinda sucks at some point of time. but quite fun overall. it's the people who are there that matters. =) spent the whole night with the swimmers. and glendon acted like a drunkard again cos he was so tired. lol. the public in the night is pretty iriitating though. i love heart to heart talks with the swimmers. and hope to give a great bday party to ivan. and glendon proved that he should be in the organising committee. lol.
bbq ytd. hmmm. pretty alright too. but yeah. i learnt my lesson regarding taking alcohol. now, i dun understand why pple like to drink. >.< ms sue's fried rice was so nice. hees. and in demand too.
today's training, to me, sucks like hell. i kinda underperformed. but kinda expected it. cos it has been so long since i m in water. and the hangover kinda got me pretty emotional and tired. but i MUST SWIM WELLL!!!!!! my 50m sucks like hell.
glendon! i wont get into top 8 on your behalf! u have to get into top 8 urself kaes? at least try! let's get into top 8 together~~ thanks for always encouraging me =)) and u must encouraged urself too! yeah. jiayou!
and right after training, fever came. kinda expected. cos i felt pretty sick this morning already. but wanna go swim cos so long never feel water already. sore throat sucks. cos it makes swallowing food so hard. yeeks.
my dear ms sue is going off again. i m gonna miss her~
sometimes i wonder, will we go beyond friends? kinda confused. cos i still feel that we are from two different worlds. i dun wan to break up this strong frenship that we have. perhaps it's better if things stay this way.
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actually, i enjoyed work now. duno why the change of attitude. and actually look forward to going there everyday. perhaps things are better when there are no comparison. it doesnt make u feel inferior, feel awkward, feel left out. really. i feel so much happier at work now. but too bad. i m quiting soon. and nothing can hold me back.
i dun like it when guys like to beat arnd the bush. neither do i like guys who just say " i like blah blah blah" and change the target the next day. omg. i wonder how's ur gf gonna take it. i mean if u like someone, jus say it. dun beat arnd the bush. ok. there is a shy factor involved. but i thought guys should be more initiative.
i m so looking forward to tmr. cos it's MOS PARTY tmr! yeah. PARTY. and my dearest darling ms sue is coming back. YEAH! miss her loads loads loads. =D
perhaps i exaggerated the matter. but it jus kinda pissed me off when u acted like so not initiative. i mean. i thought. u should be the most initiative of all. and not push the work arnd.
i m dead tired from work. i was so hyper till i kinda like wanna die at arnd 8 sumth. somemore i did dining today. how great. >.<
yawns.
i love that top. hees. shall post pictures of it soon~
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i shldnt have come online and see somethings that are not meant to be seen.
i chose to believe my heart and not my logical mind. and fell down again. i have told myself not to believe my heart, cos it wld only bring u hurt in the end. and here i m. back to the same old path bcos i chose to believe my heart again.. it was light b4 i enter this tunnel. tinking that i cld find another paradise once i find the way out of this tunnel. but as i walked in further, i realised, that i m cheated once again. and i have lost the sense of direction and cld not make out where did i come from. neither could i find the way out.
trapped once again.
i guessed only one person in the world understands wad i m talking about. but she is not in singapore now. cld u come back soon?
but perhaps this time, the path is shorter cos i din follow my heart blindly. i noe, it wld only bring hurt in the end. i hope to get out of this tunnel soon. i wanna find my way out.
why are u so foolish to follow ur heart when u noe very clearly that u will get hurt once again.
it hurts when u realised that u cant even trust that heart of urs.
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yeah! THE SWIMMERS ARE BACK! and there is training tmr. but it's recovery sets. tink i wont be doing the sets. since i aint at the camp. but perhaps some usual sets. see hw bahs. but tmr ms sue wont be there. wonder where is she now. hmmm. maybe she will see jiehan in china. hahas.
but there is work tmr too. SIGHS. ok. nvm. last 3rd day. but i dun wanna do dining. cos it's very very sians. extremely can. and somemore i dun understand why they recruited like SIX workers and still want me and ms sue to work on weekends. diaos. jus let them take our place lahs.
and went shopping with ms sue, rachel and tawan on tues. wow. we have a fabulous shopping trip man. and though we shopped for like 8 hrs, we still want MORE! and well, i m so in love with that top from ZARA can. should i buy or not. i have yet to make up my mind yet. but it's so ex. but the top is seriously nice. ok. but mayb not. i duno why. when i saw it again today, i felt that it's different.
and tuition is cancelled today. hell. cant he tell me earlier. den at least i can go shop with wanting today. stupid can. make me rush back from wisma and say cancel. grrr.
and the stupid kenny rogers haven give me my pay yet!!!!!!!!!! i m so bloody angry about it can. wad stupid company is that.
i saw someone today. i duno if that sorry on ur nick ytd was referring to me or not. but well, i really hoped that we could have a talk. i mean. i m really disappointed by that phone call that day. it's like, u jus dun care. i m really disappointed. very.
and to zhiwei. duno if u will c this or not. but sorry for not meeting u. i tink u r angry bahs. it's jus my schedule is pretty packed. wait till i quit this stupid job. and will c u soon kaes. dun get angry lahs. =D *smiles* since u once said about the "happiness" thing, dun be angry and dun ignore me can. cos there will be no more happiness. ok. if u get wad i mean.
should i get that top???? hmmm.
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for once, i feel like going for a camp so much.
in the past, i used to hate camps.
but not now.
sadly, i m not going for SLC.
shouldn't have given in to my parents about this trip.
sighs.
i wanna go for the camp. ='( ms sue wanna go too. should have asked if we cld go for one day only, the "not in bintan" day. sighs.
ate alot today. =(
i shall not tink so much. that's bad for health.
but i m still scared of wad i may face after _ _ _
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i feel so awful now.
feel like quiting my work right away.
it's jus i dun feel like dd this to ms wong.
that's the only th that is holding me back.
now i know the reason.
and whenever i tink of it
it jus trigger that kind of tears.
perhaps ths wld be better if i cld jus hate the whole world.
dun be too nice to me. i m not worth it. let me hate the whole world.
当我很想恨全世界时
你让我觉得也许这世界也不至于那么绝望
但那只会让我觉得更痛苦
因为我不知应该爱或恨
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leadership convention was BORING.but lunch with swimmers were nice! lunch at NEW YORK NEW YORK was nice! though i din really try the nice nice food.(oh well, there goes my 0.5kg AGAIN) but i kinda love that place yahs. though country mana was tempting too. hahs. oh no. i cant carry on eating like that. tsk tsk.
oh and ms sue told me that dd squats can cause u STUNTED GROWTH. omg. i dun wanna become shorter. and somemore i increased the wt of my squats to 35.5 kg. omg. i wanna if i got become shorter. uh oh. and my thighs are aching like hell now. painful. >.<
casino royale was nice. except it's too long. and wad ivan did was seriously shocking. and yeah yeah. i hope ths wld get better btw ...... =D
i guessed i somehw know hw are u feeling le. u see no point in maintaining that kinda feelings we used to have. u jus gave me an excuse which i totally. hais. i duno wad to say. u chose to meet up with other pple and say u have no mood for me. i guessed well, if u see no point in it, i wont hold on to it. i m not that desperate for it anyway.
i cant wait to tell ms sue someth can. and oh. jus few minutes ago, i dread tmr SO MUCH. cos we cant work together. she will be over at marine cove and i will be at suntec. wad stupid shit is that. i was like cursing like hell. but saw her msg that she will be working at suntec tmr! YEAH! love her to bits. den we can talk when there are no customers! hum dee dum. and i hope our shopping trip is not cancelled. =D
i m falling deeper and deeper. that's pretty bad isnt it.
i dun wanna gain weight. just that few kg, pls let me lose it for goodness sake.
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i m numb towards the prob nw. that kinda feelings are not really there now. but i dun wish for it too. yupps. perhaps ths are happier this way.
somehw, i kinda dislike some pple in my work nw. really dislike. haiz. jus few weeks more, and yes, i will get rid of them. kinda irritated by some of them. yucks. wadever. i shall jus live life my way and not bother bout them. bleahz.
today's gym session was the nicest session i ever had. =D cos we had sharing session too. hum dee dum. hees.
my dearest ms sue is always so shy. tsk tsk.
actually this qn has been troubling me for quite long i wld say. but well, i know clearly wad i wan nw and my priorities.
我不敢陷进去,因为那种感觉很痛苦
但是我很清楚也明白,我总会有得面对自己的感觉的一天,
总有一天我会无法自拔,
不由自主地跟着感觉走...
坦白地说,
我很怕那天...
现在的我,只能用一个借口来反驳自己的感受....
would miss the swimmers when they are away for SLC. =( and my dearest ms sue will be overseas too. :((((
actually, i m afraid of something too. hais.
and now, i will try to achieve that goal. cos someone said it. =)
everyone will disappear next week. not fun. and zhiwei, u better be free next week larhs. though i cant go and eat. cos not a lot of training. =((( but u better be free. or else i will kill u! hahahahaha. muahahaha. bleahz.
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i dun understand wad happened btw us that caused ths to turn out this way. we were so close b4 that and u chose to turn away at this pt of time when we really cld get together and spend every moment under the sun.
and yet. u gave me a cold shoulder that left me felt that i m really at my wits' end. i messaged u. u nv replied. u shld noe hw sensitive i m towards such stuff, you especially. i told u once b4 about it.
wad exactly happened? i jus wan an ans. and after that, i wld give up and live life our own way. and let every happy moment that happened b4 be a history. but at least, i dun wan it to end when nothing has happened. wad has happened except that incident.but in the first place, why mus u bother so much about the incident when u noe nth about the real story.
u noe hw hurting it is when u chose to talk to someone about ur feelings instead of telling me straightaway. and i have to rely on that someone to noe hw u feel.
i have no courage to call. cos i dunnoe wad to say shld u pick up the phone. m i supposed to act as if everyth is fine and let's meet or shld i jus say everyth straight in ur face. i duno. i really duno. cos u chose not to tell me anyth.
looking at that key that u left behind, i really duno wad to do. the words on the keychain was exactly wad i wished to say. but i have no courage to say. but in the first place, is there such a need for those words. when nth has went wrong in the first place.
all i cld say is
from the very beginning. i have told u that i felt very lucky to have u by my side.
and nw is the same. but u left me.
so to me, i feel that living everyday is such a torture cos i still duno wad exactly happened and wanna noe but have no courage to. i have been trying to escape from reality. but when i woke up, nth has changed. and that hurts more.
i just wan an explanation. that's all. and if there is a need, we will just go our own way in the furture. and i wont bother u anymore.
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swimming training on tues nearly killed me. but well. it's pretty consoling when i cld hit the timing. but feel kinda sad that i starts to lag by alot behind. and i m trying to go faster. only to realise that i m v tired and is compensating it by increasing stroke frequency which makes matter worse.
but thanks glen and rachel for the encouragement. i seriously feel like giving up after the second set of two tiring sets each. but realised that i shldnt since i have such encouraging mates arnd. really thanks. and i feel really bad about someth. really really bad. all i cld say is SORRY. i m really sorry about it.
on the other hand, sakae sushi on tues was yummy. except for the fact that carol and the chauffeur make our table so popular. why? cos we made alot of noise!
thanks to both of them keep bickering,the pple behind us keep looking at us. hahs. and even the trainee supervisor laughed at what they were dd. squeezing each other out of the table, only to realise that carol cld not be squeezed out cos she is sitting inside. there is no space to squeeze her out.
den ehs. i felt full after the second plate can. stupid. when i felt so hungry b4 that lor. so ehs. i tried to squeeze rice in btw the plates. but the manager saw it when they clear our plates. uh oh. but their service is damn bad can. our plates put until so so so so high, they still dun wanna clear. oh and then carol came up with an idea, to squeeze the rice into the cans of drinks. and i laugh like hell for that.but we really manage to squeeze it in. hahahahas. opps. okies. the next time when i go sakae, wld be when i reach my ideal weight. den no needa waste the rice le. hees.
and yeah, guys shldnt giggle kaes. cos it's really damn funny when i heard it. i laugh till i pengs like siaos.
and carol. jus wanna say. ok. this is random. but hor. i feel pretty bad that when we go out, u and chauffeur is always paying extra. i tink i owe u alot of money. >.<
i wanna buy clothes. but i scared of wasting money. cos i m gg thailand anyway. no use wasting money here. but i wan clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and op ytd was pretty alright! =) at least the q and a wasnt really screwed. but really. though i may really hate PW sometimes, still i wanna say
MY PW MEMBERS ROCKS!
cos they are always there if someth crops up.dun leave me there trying to tink of solutions when i cant handle it.
they are cooperative. they get their work done. though sometimes it maybe delayed, but those are exceptions. really cooperative. =)
everyone contributes their share of work. =)
though our idea is really hard to work on, we manage to survive and did it =))
and many more.
xin an- the mac guy. the oversleeper. the one whose hair is 10cm tall. lol.
si xuan- the one who loves my hse pillow alot.
yawen- thanks for always helping me!!!! the greatest secretary ever. always efficient.*muackx*
xiao yong- the one who wakes xin an up and put his braces at the wrong time. hahs. sry wor. make ur teeth bleed. i m really sorry about it kaes. *smiles*
so i was telling others. let me tell u a story of my typical PW meeting.
meeting time: 8.00am at aljunied control.
me: xin an where r u?
xa: ehs. at city hall.
me: really. ok. den we wait for eu.
xa: no dun need.i will go ur hse myself.
me: why. three more stops only mahs.
xa: huhs. dun wait for me lahs. i go myself.
after one hr. he reached. so the morale of the story. he is not at city hall.
den at my hse.
xuan: PILLOW!
me: no. dun give. later u slp.
xuan: u dun give me is it.
she will uses all those tactics that i m scared of.
me: ok. give u.
there is once when she took my pigg away too. poor piggy.
and so.
ZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzz.
yawns
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ
me: WAKE UP!
hahs. actually i love all these typical PW meetings. though it may be pretty slack sometimes, it brings back wonderful and fond memories. =) thanks my PW MEMBERS. and for bearing with me this one yr. i noe, i get pretty unreasonable sometimes. SORRY.
and my vege meal ytd was cancelled. cos xy and xa were pretty tired. sobs. my vege meal. and xuan's face was very funny when it was cancelled. and my gym session was hurried through. thanks to xuan. hahs.
ok. and mr ravi cancelled the tuition today. sighs of relief. cos i totally duno hw to do the schling system hmwk and am trying very hard to do it kaes.
and ehs. i tink sharon wld be damn pissed off with me regarding my work schedule. ok. i shall not be so bad already. let her plan bahs.
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SINFUL MUFFINS.
sobs. there goes my 0.5 kg. ='( i hope i could lose it tmr. i need consistent training to lose weight. but next week. not much training though. ='( eh. and next week i wanna eat sakae?! oh no. sobs.
i find that losing wt is getting harder and harder cos as wad ms sue said. when ur weight gets lesser, it's harder to lose. more sobs.
i WILL never be tempted by those muffins again.
GRR. i m still angry at myself for being tempted by it. bleah.
oh and thanks IVAN for coming dwn to eat lunch with me and ms sue. it's practically jus eating lunch with us and say buai buai after that. hahs. JUST LUNCH and farewell. but heehee. tadeedah. hamdeedum. the baked rice is quite nice. opps. another sinful event.
i tink today i ate very sinfully. i shall go back to bread diet again tmr. i hope.
and yah. today i found out huiling is actually from CHUNG CHENG. hahs. so coincidence. no wonder both of us found each other so familiar. and yah. saw some old classmates. and wanted to tel ms sue someth. but she always missed it.
and i wanted to tel ms sue someth. but cldnt find the time to talked to her. the queue. is so long today.
argh. i hate the muffins nw. humph!
yawns. not productive this week at all.
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SINFUL MUFFINS.
sobs. there goes my 0.5 kg. ='( i hope i could lose it tmr. i need consistent training to lose weight. but next week. not much training though. ='( eh. and next week i wanna eat sakae?! oh no. sobs.
i find that losing wt is getting harder and harder cos as wad ms sue said. when ur weight gets lesser, it's harder to lose. more sobs.
i WILL never be tempted by those muffins again.
GRR. i m still angry at myself for being tempted by it. bleah.
oh and thanks IVAN for coming dwn to eat lunch with me and ms sue. it's practically jus eating lunch with us and say buai buai after that. hahs. JUST LUNCH and farewell. but heehee. tadeedah. hamdeedum. the baked rice is quite nice. opps. another sinful event.
i tink today i ate very sinfully. i shall go back to bread diet again tmr. i hope.
and yah. today i found out huiling is actually from CHUNG CHENG. hahs. so coincidence. no wonder both of us found each other so familiar. and yah. saw some old classmates. and wanted to tel ms sue someth. but she always missed it.
and i wanted to tel ms sue someth. but cldnt find the time to talked to her. the queue. is so long today.
argh. i hate the muffins nw. humph!
yawns. not productive this week at all.
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i m kinda feel like giving up on all those things that i have worked hard for. it yield no results. it yield no attention. sometimes, i wld admit that i m quite an attention seeker. but i found that i have decided to turn inward instead. perhaps that wld be better.
i dun feel like blogging more about wad i m feeling nw. cos no one wld understand anyway.
but there is one thing that i certainly wanna blog by today. that is to say THANKS to Shuhan, Yvonne, Glendon and Ivan for coming down today. it's really really sweet and we really appreciate it. we kinda looked forward to seeing u all so much today! yeah! thanks alot. sometimes, it's just this little actions that matter. =) and good luck to all swimmers taking chinese tmr! jiayou!
as for those complicated feelings, guess i will just slp and try to forget about it. though it's really hard.
and i dun feel strong for swimming anymore. my arms and legs hurt. due to the many cramps that happened on wednesday, my legs cant kick so well anymore.my timing is deproving. discouraging. and i have lost all the confidence, self- esteem, motivation and wadever u called it to make urself wanna go further and faster. cos sometimes, life makes u feel that there is no pt carrying on this way anymore.
EMPTY.
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