All That I've Got

Thursday, February 23, 2006
-5:05:00 PM-

can i scream?
can i yell?
can sumone jus find a cell and locked me in to let me vent all my frustrations out?
can sumone jus find a soundproof room and let me shout it out?
can sumone jus do that for me.
i wana shout, i wana bang the walls, why mus ths turn out this way.

yw. can u tell me wad to do. i m really trapped. the moment u told me everyth, my heart has broken into pieces. i totally have no mood for anyth animore. sorry tht i decided not to go eat with ya. i totally lost my appetite when i get to noe everyth.

hw. hw. hw. as e time drag on. it's obvious wad's gg to happen. u told me to give it up. but i cant. u noe why. not only that i cant give up. i oso felt myself sinking deeper.so deep that i m losing grip. wad m i suppoed to do.

so it has been a week of avoiding. i tot tt the matter has been settled. but it seems that it's jus undercurrent. there is more to cum. i m jus trying to avoid. i m jus trying to tink positive when NO. nth of that sort that i tot is true. everyth is not in place. it's not in place.

i dun wan to avoid animore. it really hurts when u r putting on a false front when u go to school. when u r alone. u faced all the emotions dat u r putting up with.

DH (didi) said that it's nice to have me in the class. cos my laughter speads. and the atm in the claz will not be so serious. i dun tink i can do so animore. i m not laughing from the bottom of my heart. i m not really happy. i jolly well noe that. i m laughing for the sake of dd so. i guess i wont wan to be deemed as that happy animore when i m not. it really hurts when u r alone. and that laughter doesnt mean anith animore.

still, yw, i cant bring myself to forgive. cant. it's impossible. i guessed for the months, years ahead. sumth dramatic is bound to happen. when that happens, i duno waad will happen to us. i guessed it marks the end of the happiness we used to share.

i need a break.
i need a break from all those thoughts that have been filling up my mind.
i need a break from all those overwhelming emotions.
i need a break from all those stories that i hear. (which i duno if it's beta if i noe or not)
i need a break from that topic that we have been talking about.
i need a break from laughing when i m not happy at all.
i need a break from all those nasty ths that u all r saying which i dun seem to mind but i do mind.
i m jus tired.

i need a break from sch.
i need a break from..........

it's a layer and a layer of things that are enveloping me. i felt so breathless. i felt so helpless. can sumone jus remove those layers. u do not noe that u r that sumone. but only u have the key.

hatred is building up inside me. i cant forgive.

why mus u keep asking about ** when i wana talk sum serious th with ya. why mus u keep asking me. jus go ask ** for all u wan. it gets pretty irritating and hurtful when u keep asking. cos i noe more. n it hurts. it really does.

why are so many ths happening at one time. why mus i hear. why mus i see. why cant i pretend that nth has happened. why cant i pretend that i dun feel anyth at all. jus why cant i get the ths i wan. jus why do u have to fight with me over it. jus get lost will u. i hate u.

no. i dun hate only u. but both of u.

i got super pissed off by clarence ytd. cos tues was learning mass dance. den i told ht that "i miss *G ( dun tink i shld say the name out). cos he danced with me the dhoom dance. n he dances so well." it was jus a casual remark. den clarence overheard wad ht said to me when she saw *G. n being the bigg mouth he is. he went to go arnd and say, " ORH, i noe hu huimin likes now" and there he goes. gg to spread arnd to the rest of the pple in our claz. and he keeps insisting that he din say anyth. he din say the NAME out. so he meant that he told everyone hu he is, hw he looks like, hw we noe him. but only that he din say his NAME out only. wtf. i got really pissed off. so imagine in the future. when he saw *G. he will say," Huimin, here cums the person u like!" jus like wad happened to yw cos of the kung bushmen. i m growing impatient of him! IMPATIENT! plus wad i m feeling now. i felt as if i may blow up at him ani moment. i may jus throw all those nasty words at him. so beta not get into my way these few days. i m not in the mood to mess with.

i m lookin forward to tmr morn swimming. i wanna swim free style. swim as fast as i can. only then can i reach the paradise. a world that i wont be filled with that kind of tots that jus breaks my heart.

pls. dun let that th happen. i really duno wad to do if it were to happen. i guessed we will turn into enemies shld it happen. cos i WONT forgive. i WONT be able to.

i wanna swim the hell out of me. i wanna burn myself out. only then. i can feel tired physicallt ONLY. and not mentally

[9.50pm]i m not in the mood to be mess with now. i hate it when i noe no head or tail of the probs and u cum and vent ur frustrations on me. LIKE HALO! i m not involved in the war btw u and him n the first place. i noe nth of wad happened. and u cum and be angry with me. wtf. is this fair to me. i JUST came online and u cum and msg me in msn, venting all ur frustrations on me. when i noe ABSOLUTELY NTH. i m not a chu qi tong. mind that.

argh. i m feeling so damn pissed off with the two of them. i din do anyth to u all. wan me to help. at least mus tel me the whole th. cum and vent frustrations on me. like i noe everyth. like i noe hw to console when i noe NTH of wad happened. not a single clue.i m oso sumone with emotions ok. not only u all two have the BIGGEST PROBS IN THE WORLD. wth

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