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What Is Left Of Me
mInmIn
17
20th august 1989
Temasek Junior College
LOVES <3
Family
Friends
Tjc Swim Team
The special ONE
thanks pple for the "cheer up" messages. =D
i wldnt promise that i wont be affected by the th which happened on thurs in the future, but for nw, i guess, i will try to make the feeling fade away. but that sumone wld always trigger it again. so well, i duno. i guess for now, i will jus take one step at a time and c how bahz.
i guessed i was really feeling moody on fri. didi was shocked by my change of mood. cos ruo bing aka bin bin asked me, " why u go msn chat with daren and ht ytd when they are settling their probs." that sparked off my anger. cos it wasnt me who wanted to go interferre in their probs. it's them who cum and "bomb" me when i JUST went online. so well, i sort of answered him in a veri angry way. binbin was shocked lahz. den didi was like " wad happened to u? tot u always laugh like siaoz de" i shook me head and said nth. but i wanna apologise to binbin lahz. he seems to be the innocent party. not knowing wad happened that thurs nitex.
hahz. so it was a rather quiet mood over at the canteen when we were eating after mass swim and chem lecture. cos dun have my laughter mahz. =X hahz. kidding lahz. but it's really quiet lahz. but well, i was not in the mood to talk anyway at that time.
things got beta when it was bio prac. we were supposed to do a "project" on the process of mitosis. so me, yw was paired up with da ren and qiqi. da ren started off by saying, "heyz u still angry arhx" den i merely shook my head. but the two guys and yw really cheered me up. they did alot of funny stuff and said alot of funny ths. i cant bring myself to be moody le. hahz. so finally i laughed. n didi said "huimin, finally u luff!!!" hahaz. funny.
training on fri was tough too. perhaps cos of my mood and the mass swim in the morning, i cldnt take the training at all. had calf cramps when i swam frog style. so dots. i tot frog style shldnt make u have cramps since it's not really vigorous.and for once, i felt like dying. cos my goggles were blurred and water entered my eyes. but we werent allowed to stop and touch the ground. so i finished my frog style with water in my eyes, blurred googles and calf cramps.
den mr loh called us to swim IM after the pyramidal training. free style replaced butterfly stroke. after the 2nd set. i cried alreadi. i have nv tot i wld cry. but guess i was too tired that day. but well, still went on.
so it was OGL CAMP ytd. the cheers that IXODUS came up with was so nice! i totally love the cheers! the cheering rocks! the games were alright. ah. i m looking so forward to 2nd orientation! everyone in TJC mus cum for 2nd orientation!!!!!!!! and i realised that cchms has mai2 mo4 le4 ren2 cai2. hahz. i cldnt say the reason nw. since it's to be kept a secret till the 2nd Orientation. shall say it after 2nd O! =)
i have decided to go for the swim trip to Thailand in april. yupps. but duno if Trix gg or not. i was quite scared initially since Trix said that she may not be gg. but Evon persuaded me to go.tink i shldnt waste this opportunity bahz. but i m still abit scared. and oso will be competing there.wonder if there is training or not. i tink the Thai swimmers wld be quite good? hahz. mr loh put me under 50m free style. =D love free style loads. everyone mus send me off b4 the trip to Thailand kaex? hahaz.=P
sighs. tests next wk. sighs sighs sighs.
i love the campus life in TJC but not the work load. =(
Last wk with cg24/06 PAE intake pple =(
i m so tanned cos of ytd OGL camp. imagine u r under the sun from 9am to 6.30pm!
[11.23pm]i din expect that we will quarrel over such small matters. cant u sense that i m joking. so well, perhaps we have lost that kind of understanding that we used to have in the past. wadeva. i have nth more to say. we no longer understand each other that much as b4. we lost the sweetness we used to have.
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can i scream?
can i yell?
can sumone jus find a cell and locked me in to let me vent all my frustrations out?
can sumone jus find a soundproof room and let me shout it out?
can sumone jus do that for me.
i wana shout, i wana bang the walls, why mus ths turn out this way.
yw. can u tell me wad to do. i m really trapped. the moment u told me everyth, my heart has broken into pieces. i totally have no mood for anyth animore. sorry tht i decided not to go eat with ya. i totally lost my appetite when i get to noe everyth.
hw. hw. hw. as e time drag on. it's obvious wad's gg to happen. u told me to give it up. but i cant. u noe why. not only that i cant give up. i oso felt myself sinking deeper.so deep that i m losing grip. wad m i suppoed to do.
so it has been a week of avoiding. i tot tt the matter has been settled. but it seems that it's jus undercurrent. there is more to cum. i m jus trying to avoid. i m jus trying to tink positive when NO. nth of that sort that i tot is true. everyth is not in place. it's not in place.
i dun wan to avoid animore. it really hurts when u r putting on a false front when u go to school. when u r alone. u faced all the emotions dat u r putting up with.
DH (didi) said that it's nice to have me in the class. cos my laughter speads. and the atm in the claz will not be so serious. i dun tink i can do so animore. i m not laughing from the bottom of my heart. i m not really happy. i jolly well noe that. i m laughing for the sake of dd so. i guess i wont wan to be deemed as that happy animore when i m not. it really hurts when u r alone. and that laughter doesnt mean anith animore.
still, yw, i cant bring myself to forgive. cant. it's impossible. i guessed for the months, years ahead. sumth dramatic is bound to happen. when that happens, i duno waad will happen to us. i guessed it marks the end of the happiness we used to share.
i need a break.
i need a break from all those thoughts that have been filling up my mind.
i need a break from all those overwhelming emotions.
i need a break from all those stories that i hear. (which i duno if it's beta if i noe or not)
i need a break from that topic that we have been talking about.
i need a break from laughing when i m not happy at all.
i need a break from all those nasty ths that u all r saying which i dun seem to mind but i do mind.
i m jus tired.
i need a break from sch.
i need a break from..........
it's a layer and a layer of things that are enveloping me. i felt so breathless. i felt so helpless. can sumone jus remove those layers. u do not noe that u r that sumone. but only u have the key.
hatred is building up inside me. i cant forgive.
why mus u keep asking about ** when i wana talk sum serious th with ya. why mus u keep asking me. jus go ask ** for all u wan. it gets pretty irritating and hurtful when u keep asking. cos i noe more. n it hurts. it really does.
why are so many ths happening at one time. why mus i hear. why mus i see. why cant i pretend that nth has happened. why cant i pretend that i dun feel anyth at all. jus why cant i get the ths i wan. jus why do u have to fight with me over it. jus get lost will u. i hate u.
no. i dun hate only u. but both of u.
i got super pissed off by clarence ytd. cos tues was learning mass dance. den i told ht that "i miss *G ( dun tink i shld say the name out). cos he danced with me the dhoom dance. n he dances so well." it was jus a casual remark. den clarence overheard wad ht said to me when she saw *G. n being the bigg mouth he is. he went to go arnd and say, " ORH, i noe hu huimin likes now" and there he goes. gg to spread arnd to the rest of the pple in our claz. and he keeps insisting that he din say anyth. he din say the NAME out. so he meant that he told everyone hu he is, hw he looks like, hw we noe him. but only that he din say his NAME out only. wtf. i got really pissed off. so imagine in the future. when he saw *G. he will say," Huimin, here cums the person u like!" jus like wad happened to yw cos of the kung bushmen. i m growing impatient of him! IMPATIENT! plus wad i m feeling now. i felt as if i may blow up at him ani moment. i may jus throw all those nasty words at him. so beta not get into my way these few days. i m not in the mood to mess with.
i m lookin forward to tmr morn swimming. i wanna swim free style. swim as fast as i can. only then can i reach the paradise. a world that i wont be filled with that kind of tots that jus breaks my heart.
pls. dun let that th happen. i really duno wad to do if it were to happen. i guessed we will turn into enemies shld it happen. cos i WONT forgive. i WONT be able to.
i wanna swim the hell out of me. i wanna burn myself out. only then. i can feel tired physicallt ONLY. and not mentally
[9.50pm]i m not in the mood to be mess with now. i hate it when i noe no head or tail of the probs and u cum and vent ur frustrations on me. LIKE HALO! i m not involved in the war btw u and him n the first place. i noe nth of wad happened. and u cum and be angry with me. wtf. is this fair to me. i JUST came online and u cum and msg me in msn, venting all ur frustrations on me. when i noe ABSOLUTELY NTH. i m not a chu qi tong. mind that.
argh. i m feeling so damn pissed off with the two of them. i din do anyth to u all. wan me to help. at least mus tel me the whole th. cum and vent frustrations on me. like i noe everyth. like i noe hw to console when i noe NTH of wad happened. not a single clue.i m oso sumone with emotions ok. not only u all two have the BIGGEST PROBS IN THE WORLD. wth
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running a fever now. =( feeling so unwell. argh. another flu and cough "season". duhz.
din run for road run today. i wanna run. but ytd swimming really sapped most of the energy i have. having mucle ache. plus flu and cough. so decided not to run. sighs. wanted so much to run within that 30mins to get the cert. >.<
so was there cheering for the pple. and DELTA hse sits under the SUN. hw great can this be. while the other hses have shade!! humph! grrr.
i was so not enthu today lahz. for the cheer and when they asked delta hse to go dwn to the track. was totally drained ytd. cant bring myself to be that enthu today. sighs.
hmmm. ONE gal from our claz ran only. cos yw has a fever ytd too. so i insist that she is not to go and run. and huiting has no one to acc her. so she din run too. and 3 guys went up to run. all ran bcos they have to replace sumone else except clarence whose name was actually on the board for duno wad reason.
bin bin ran to replace qiqi hu fractured his leg ytd due to his soccer training. >.< hope he gets well soon~ and clarence kept emphasizing that qiqi dui4 ta1 you3 yi4 si4. -___________-|| jus cos qiqi sent a msg ytd to him calling him hurhem. "honey" and clarence was practically complaining to me and yw about it.-______________-|||| he is really dots. so we kept telling him that qiqi was jus playing with him. and he keeps insisting that qiqi is a pervert. -_________________-|||| more dots. anyway. that msg was meant for sumone lahz. duhz. clarence horz. hurhem.
and elvin ran to replaced darren. darren said that he is sick. so cant run. hmmm. hurhem. nvm. duno wad to say. hahaz.
so after that we went to long johns and eat with binbin, clarence, yw, janet. fenglin went to buy food for her tortoise. hahaz.
crapped alot when we were eating. yw kept inmitating clarence. -_-| all his xiao3 dong4 zuo4. it was damn funny. i practically choked on my food. den binbin has that kind of wan to beat him up de expression. hahaz. damn funny when they two cum together.
=i m trying. still trying.=
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had 2 swimming sessions today.
hmm, the afternoon one was tiring. swam free style, 3 sets, 200m. woah. n there is like 20 sec rest in btw only. i found out that for the 2nd and 3rd lap for 1st set was the hardest for me. felt rather breathless. but as i got used to the laps. surprisingly, my breathing rate bcums rather norm which means i can go faster. =) i cant afford to rest. weird me. when pple wld actually wanna rest so much. but after i rest, if go for free style. i felt so much like dying. cos my breathing rate bcums abnormal again. but argh. i still cant make it the the timing of 2mins for 100m. mus aim for that.
but it was fun training with the year2s. more like swimming. hahaz. but today's training makes me really afraid of wad will be happening to me if i go to SSC. i m really afraid that i cant meet the expectations there. esp my frog style. i jus cant go fast for this style. sighs.
n i jus realised that harry stays so near me.that's good. got sumone to walk home with me after swimming. hahaz.
i guess swimmers have high expectations of themselves. everyone wans to be the fastest.
but i m seriously scared of those muscles that will develop as i train. it looks. argh. esp when i swim free style often.
still got road run tmr. still contemplating whether to run or not. hmm. i m like half dead nw. if run tmr, i will be DEAD. hahz.
i realised that swimming in e pool is a paradise to me. i wont tink of those sad moments. i wont shed tears. i wont feel hurt. but well, after getting out of the pool, after leaving the teammates, reality sets in. sighs.
i realised that it's not a matter of whether i have hopes about **, but jus that if that trigger is on. everyth crumbles.i jus hope that the th that i have been worrying about wont bcums reality. or else. sighs.
this is the hurdle i have to overcome myself. that person out there cannot noe it. hafta tide tru this period no matter wad.
the stupid flu and cough is cuming again. i hate this man.
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i have nv eva felt so heartbroken b4. that kind of trapped feelings i felt 2 yrs ago is back. in torrents. i m torn btw 2 emotions. i m torn btw my emotions and someone.
finally i told someone about my feelings. i heed her advice of finding someone to confide in. perhaps this is called when u say it out, your words bcum the truth.i have nv eva tot that i cant ctrl thses kind of emotions at all.
perhaps i shldnt have said it out. i realised that since i said it out, i cant stop my overwhelming emotions and tears. hw m i supposed to cope with this.
3 wks. i have only 3 wks to sealed those emotions and put it into memory. 3 wks. hw m i supposed to do that?
she noes me inside out. i m really glad that at least i have her to be with me to tide tru this. it's hard. but i jus hafta try. but till nw, i cant even ctrl my emotions and tears, how to even tide tru these 3 wks.
where's the rationale me. where's the strong me. i have lost everyth today. the moment i said it. and the moment i saw her actions. everyth breaks dwn.
i dun wan that kind of drama series to becum the truth in my life.no. it can nv happen. i cant let it happen. i cant afford that.
that kind of tots keep cuming into my mind. hw close they are.
till now, i only have tears to console me.
i really hope that i can seal everyth and put it into memory. no way will i allow myself to go deep dwn into this well of death.
it has been so long since i felt such strong emotions. i tot that i always can ctrl it. hw cum it doesnt seem so now.
i hafta pick myself up. jus like hw she picks herself up. i have to.
i m speaking in riddles. but i cant afford to say it. once i said it out, i dun tink i can bear the consequences at all.
why mus ths turn out this way?
i wanna swim. i wanna train. then can my tears mixed with the water in the pool. n no one will see it. it's embarrassing to shed tears.
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so it's true that i m feeling jealous. i tot that it is jus a sudden feeling tht will fade away after sum time. but NO. it's not. i cant say anyth. cos i refuse to divulge. it's not sumth to be made known. or else, these happyy days that i have will be destroyed. perhaps.
i have neva tot that i wld see wad the drama series put up to be happening to myself. the feeling is awful. torn btw ur fren and ur feelings. argh.
ahhh.. i need sumone to talk to.. argh.. but yet i cant say anyth. i felt as if i may explode any moment.
i have nv felt so jealous b4...
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ytd will be the most memorable day i eva had.
had swimming in the morning. which got me really tired. though i din swim IM, i swam 4 laps of free style in sets of 8. 4 laps continously is tedious and tiring. esp when u hafta keep up with ur speed. haha. yea. then i got rather high expectations. so was like trying to push my arms really hard to propel myself forward in a faster way. tiring.
so went back to cchms to take back olevels. gosh. i have nv felt so scared b4. and well. i m the first person to get frm mrs tan. -_-| totally unprepared. din expect it so fast. so when i went up, i cldnt even speak to her at all. jus keep saying, i m scared. haha. so she showed me my results. being so nervous, i cldnt make out wad i got. i jus keep staring at the results slip and tinking where's my L1R5? and i cant even make out my grades. too nervous.i took quite long to realised wad's my L1R5.
so i ran to huiting to ask her hers. she was crying alreadi. w/o even seeing her L1R5. in the end, her L1R5 turns out to be so good. dots. duno hu is the one hu keep saying she cant stay in TJ and she screwed up her o and that we wont see her eva again. dots. in the end. results so good sia. well, i guessed we were totally siaoz after knowing her score. we hugged and shouted, we can stay in CG24/06 le!! hahaz. yeah.we are jus concern about that.
so in the end went to find yw and darren. yea! they can stay too! lalalala. so happy *beams*
n talked alot of ths with alot of teaches. ah, missed cchms man.
thanks pple for all the wishes and the encouragement on thurs and fri. n the concern shown by kip calling and messaging and e congrats too =) really thanks huiyi jie, laura, michelle, sou kuin, zhiqiang ,dennis, yawen, jing yi, jiayan, sze sze, angelina, seng chuan, ivan, my mortal in tjc,darryl (whom we called him cheryl,hahaz.), justin and ruo bing. mus emphasized that ruo bing msg made me cry. hahaz. cos he is not that kind of will send message to wish u gd luck de. and the sentence "we will stay together as a class" made me totally cant hold back my tears. thanks to everyone n if i have missed out u, still thanks. =))
oh so ytd nitex went for a farewell dinner for my cousins. it can be a dinner to celebrate my results too. hahaz. i felt so VIP when i saw my relatives. my parents told them about my results earlier. so i saw my cousins first as we went to fetch them. hahaz. congratulated me. thanks =)
den after that, when i saw my other relatives, all of them shook my hand and congratulate me. woah. the feeling so shiok lehx. hahaz. anyway, i m really touched by their congratulations and wishes. =)
den went over to my auntie's hse to stayover with my cousins. since they leaving le. we had a wonderful nitex playing and talking. and gg dwn to the hawker dwnstairs to eat dessert with them. of course i din eat. or else my training wld hv been wasted. but i slept the earliest. too tired liaoz. hahaz.
i felt more attached to my relatives now. *beams* aaron is soOoo cute!! i like the action of him trying to shoot us. hahaz.
ytd has been a really memorable day to me. =))
i guessed humans tend to get even more greedy those they have gotten wad others tink to be good. so m i. i guessed sum pple do noe that i m not exactly happy with my results. but well, still, i m thankful for it alreadi. jus happy that cg 24/06 can stay this way. but mani ppl seem to be tinking of not staying in tj. shld i stay or leave?
i m getting really jealous.
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so tmr will be the taking of o levels. nth else to say. jus wana stay in TJ with 24/06. with the ROYALTIES pple. i jus wan that. many ppl said that it's easy for me to achieve that. but i dun hold too high expectations. i dun seem to get the things i wan always. of course, i wan all cg 24/06 ppl to do well, to stay with me. i jus wan that. can this simple wish be fulfilled? it has been so long since i felt such happiness and joy.love them loads.
the skit of FIDEL CASTRO is totally screwed up. i wont say why. dun wish to elaborate. but the failure of this skit triggered off all my tears and frustrations i have been bottling up. yah. high expectations bring about disappointments. i jus cant stand it animore lahz. so sort of vented my frustrations on yw. poor her. but thanks for being there for me. =)
den today really veri funny. cos well, my mood was really down to the veri bottom. den was having maths lecture. den the teacher was teaching us hw to use the GC for parametric eqn. den duno why yw graph turns out to be sumth really funny. i duno hw to describe. but this graph really cheers me up. thanks yw! den her kung bushman oso. kekex.
swim team.tjc.cg24/06.royalties pple.him.
i jus wanna stay.
thanks pple for the wishes. i hope my results aint too disappointing tmr. i jus hope i wana do well. i hope that i can call u all with joy. look forward to that. i duno wad will happen shld my results............wadeva.........
jus realised that after i take my o's, i will have no reasons to talk to him at all le. wad can i do to forget u....
*currently pissed off by someone hu has such a bigg mouth to spread sumth. spoiling the fun of everyone.*
i dun wana cry...
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hmmm..it has been a week since i blogged. a busy week!
anyway,, SARIPUTTA rocks! went to SBM CNY visiting on sat. woots. the feeling of sitting on a lorry, with so many ppl squeezing on the lorry is really nice, cozy and get to noe more pple from Sariputta. crapping on the lorry, waving to the cars behind our lorry( pple tink we are siaoz! but still got ppl waved back =) ), getting to noe more about each other, telling each other the probs we have in life, telling each other the funny encounters in life.. awww... well.. the most memorable th of this CNY visiting is not the visits to the hses, but is the moments on the LORRY! hahaz. i love the lorry loads.
den had mass dinner at sims ville function room. hahaz. the guys there were really funny. cos we got 4 hses. den one hse wan to make atm. so keep banging table to attract attention. den Lawrence acted as a policeman(he is really one in real life) and like raid the area causing trouble. really funny. n they keep playin this game.hmmm.
this CNY visiting has also let me noe alot of secrets of the Sariputta pple. ShhhsHHhH.. yeah! love them loads.
hmmm.. well back to now.. results will be release on friday. sighs. all i can say is i jus wan to stay in TJC. perhaps the real reason is cos of the CG bahz. i wld say i dun mind if the whole cg got into another jc and we r still together. i dun mind staying in that jc lahz. with cg 24/06. i dun wan anione to leave. i wan cg 24/06- PAE intake.i love you all loads.
well, cried in sch today. well, i found out that my class ppl are rather sentimental. most of the gals wan to remain as this cg. so we were talking and talking. nearly cried in front of them. but i din. held back. sighs. the guys are there u c. hahaz. sighs. reality sets in on fri.
today's lessons were loonngg and tedious. esp clit. sighs. the teacher lesson is veri stressful!! he is a vv serious person. u cant joke with him like wad u did to mr koh. =( den today he wans us to do chinese compo. 600 words. by hook or by crook, mus hand in by today. when we released at 4.15pm? dots. i realli dun like him lahz.
now i m faced with another choice whether to cont clit anot. sighs. one main reason that i dun wan to drop- by taking clit, i mix with the pple i really like. they share the same sentiments as me. =)
CHEM REDOX tutorial was like fighting a war. trying hard to catch up with wad ms fong is saying. really chim.
MOLE CONCEPT TEST. sighs.
chatted alot with yw jus now. hmmm. dun remind me of fri. it's scary.
i read his compo by chance. >.< hmm. really glad that at least we had brought him beautiful memories this few months. =)) izzit too obvious?? hahaz. >.<
today yw finally listened to shan hu hai. well, she nearly cried listening to the song? cos in the meantime, i told her the news of the results releasing on friday. yah. we cant bear to leave.
perhaps i shld be more quiet. hmm.
so wed perhaps will be my last time attending swimming in TJC with tj swim team??
THE HAPPIEST MEMORIES I EVA HAD- FROM CG24/06 PAE INTAKE, 24/7 TJ-CIANS.
ROYALTIES ROCK ON FOREVA!
=the high pitch king=
=the black face king=
=the hc(sq) king= (if u noe wad that means =P)
=the magic king=
=the dream queen=
=the cold queen=
=the notetaking princess =) =
n still got 3 unknowns. hahaz. e 3 "unknowns" king.
n this wed is the FIDEL CASTRO SKIT SHOWDOWN. it leaves a beautiful memory in everyone's minds. at least, we cg24/06, has eva acted in a skit and it's being selected for the ENGLISH FAIR FINALE! i guess we will nv forget the joy of this.
SHAN HU HAI
everytime i heard this song, i have the urge to sms or call u. but i noe i have to hold back. things are not the same animore. feel so much like telling yw about this whole th. but where can the story begin?it's too long...
(Jay) 海平面远方开始阴霾 悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上 始终挟带 一抹浅浅的无奈
(Lara) 你用唇语说你要离开(心不在)
那难过无声慢了下来
汹涌潮水 你听明白 不是浪而是泪海
(合) 转身离开 (你有话说不出来)
分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
我们的爱(给的爱) 差异一直存在 (回不来)
风中尘埃 (等待) 竟累积成伤害
(合) 转身离开 (分手说不出来) 分手说不出来
蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此(你我都) 不够成熟坦白 (不应该)
热情不再 (你的) 笑容勉强不来 爱深埋珊瑚海
(Jay) 毁坏的沙雕如何重来 有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切 结束太快 你说你无法释怀
(Lara) 贝壳里隐藏什么期待 (等花儿开)
我们也已经无心再猜
面向海风 碱碱的爱 尝不出还有未来
(合) 转身离开 (你有话说不出来)
分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱
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