All That I've Got

Sunday, November 21, 2004
-1:03:00 AM-

i had an awful sat...
which explains why i updated at such an EARLY sundae.
i dunno wad's happening to me
i losing control
i losing my calm soul
i m lost in e battle against my emotions.

i cried a lot alot ytd
n slept veri veri early.
dat's why i woke up sooo early too.

my life seems to be upside dwn
i m nt at all interested in anyth
nt at all

okiex the things go like tis
i m jealous
real jealous of hw my parents treated my bro
ta men ba ta dang cheng bao
ba wo dang cheng cao

he's having his chalet on 26th
i m nt at all jealous bout him having a chalet
bt i m jealous towards the fact dat
why my bro can have anyth w/o even begging
n me
i beg for so long
did they give me?

i wan to go overseas for a hol
since b4 exams they promised me
n everytime i brin it up
they sae
ya will go
bt r there ani plans made to go
nt at all
n looking nw
it's lllllaaaaaaaaaatttttteeeeeeeeeee nov
nt even a single plan ishx made
so they still sae will go
i doubt so

i wan to buy sumths
sumth dat i like
bt everytime when i go out
me mum will be there
saying i dun need give u money horx
u use ur own
i dun mind it if she treats my bro like tis too
bt no!
nt at all
she will be there worrying if my bro have enuff money to spend
n if nt
she will jus give him sum
even when he's so rude towards her

they say they will buy tis buy dat for me
bt have they
empty promises

me hp issue
have been brought up for so mani times
for so longggg
have they done anyth
nt at all
they were jus there
okiex
i will buy u one
i WILL
nt at all
i m there begging for so long
n i cant even get the latest model
hw bout my bro
even when they sae they r short of money
they still buy him the latest model dat time
6610
haha
hw much dat costs?
300 plus dollars near 400.
when they claim dat they have no money
wad's tis
no money when u face me
have a lot of money in ur pocket when it cums to buying things for my bro?
i cant stand tis animore
i wan a fone which cost 200 they oso like so bu shuang
fine

ytd
i admit i m in e wrong
bt aft so mani things dat happen
i cant take it animore

frm fri
i told them bout buyin the fone again
they tried to avoid the topic
fine

on sat
i decided nt to go out animore
i dun wan buy clothes
i dun wan buy anyth gota do wif bro chalet
when i need to go to his chalet
then can i buy clothes
wad the hell ishx tis all bout

i dun feel at all excited nw
i knew i will see all those stupid relatives of mine
they are jus the same
will alwaes stand by my bro side when he's in e wrong
n try their best to explain till he ishx ritex for his actions though he ishx in e wrong
then me
give me dat kind of stupid face
when i m in e wrong
i had enuff

i use to have grandma standing by my side
supporting me tru
bt i had lost her
which means i lost all the respect i suppose to have

well
i blasted my bro's rm in e morn
i cant stand the emotions inside me
i cant cry out loud
so i jus turn the music so loudly
i dun care even if i go deaf
isnt's it beta
i dun have to hear all those praises they have for bro n all those sarcastic remarks they have for me.

then they came in
call me go out
n tried to sae jokes
i fall into e trap n went out

okiex tis part i noe i m in e wrong bt i realli duno wad's happening
we went to bugis
n they gt tis pig dat's ishx like ms chan present
(pw mummy u shld noe wad i toking bout!haha,rem we went out n u sae ur mum will buy for u since ur one ishx dirty le?)
okiex
it's a beanie th i shld sae
will change shape one
like a stress ball
bt jus dat's it's a pig nw
it's 19.95 dollars
then me parents were calling me to buy for my bro
i was like
nt dat i dun wan to buy
bt will he treasure it?
he will jus put it aside one dae
he jus love wad his gf get for him
he threw aside a watch dat me parents bought for him which ishx so ex
n keep wearing wad his gf give
i dun like to give present to sumone hu wont treasure it
so i sae no
n they were like keep calling me to buy
i was getting so frustrated inside
bt i kept quiet

then we went into a shop
they oso gt tis pig
then they call me to buy again
i dun wan
then they decided to buy for him themselves
at tis pt of time
i was like
fine
buy anyth for all u all wan
then me mum was like
they buy the big big ex ex giant one for me bro
n sae buy the mini one for me
when i said dat when i go out
i alwaes see tis type of things
tis beanie th
n i dun even bear to buy it for myself
when it's at 9.90
n call me to buy it to sumone hu wont treasure it
n it's 19.95?!
no wae

then they mistaken dat i jealous again
i m nt jealous for goodness sake
i jus dun like e fact dat we go out
u all still tink bout buyin things for him alwaes
had he put u all in his mind?
nt at all
he's jus so indulged in his relationship
obssessed by his gf

n i dun wan tis beanie th!
cos i dun wan when i sae i wan it
then u all give me
it's my bro stuff
i dun wan it!
well there ishx a red n pink one
they initially bought a red one for my bro
then jus nw i saw it on my chair
a pink one which i like
i dun wan it!
i m nt jealous cos i dun have it!

then i jus walked
keep walking n walking
then went to temple to pray
i cld nt wish for anyth
at dat time
me mind ishx full of anger,frustration
i cant pray
so i was there saying sorriex for my attitude

then went OG
i can see dat me father's face was so angry
i dun care
then i saw a shirt
i wan to unzip it
then eveyth ishx against me
i cant unzip
it gt stuck
i was so frustrated
jus walk arnd
n arnd the 2nd floor
n decided to go hm
me father was nt wif us at dat time
so onli me mum n me go hm

then i reached the bus stop
i cldnt make up my mind to go hm or nt
so i jus sat there
then me wallet was in my hand
i was so frustrated dat i spoilt it
one part of it fell off cos i sort of tear it
then i cried cried cried cried
cos tis wallet was bought wif dat bitch
memories jus came back sumhw
it overwhelm me

then i ran to catch up wif the bus
n board the bus
headed hm
i cried n cried on e wae back

then went i reached hm
i go hysterical
i cld nt stop the emotions within me
i was so frustrated
i cried out loud
shout out loud
i jus cld nt take it animore
i hate everyone
grrrrrr

so i jus cried to slp
till nw
i woke up
saw dat pig
i was lik
i dun wan it
dun care
will jus give bac to my parents
it's pink in colour
so cant give it to bro
wadeva
i m losing the ctrl of my emotions

i decided
i goin to use my savings to buy e things i wan
wad for saving it
everytime due to the fact dat i wan to save it
i alwaes cant buy e things i like
i m goin to spend
wadeva

i hate you......
*break dwn in tears*

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