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What Is Left Of Me
mInmIn
17
20th august 1989
Temasek Junior College
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The special ONE
todae's celebration was kinda boring..duno...i oso neva go care lahx...jus let things b...dun feel lik doin bout it at all..perhaps wad mel sae ishx ritex...i did my best..if other pple think dat i neva did it well..i dun have to care bout their remarks..cos i m me...bt well...i do mind sumtimes esp when i realli put efforts in it..n if dat person ishx very close wif me...it make me more upset...bt aft wad she said..i feel dat it's ritex lahx...e more i care bout it..e more upset i'm..moreover...pple oso wont care dat much bout ur feelings..so y care...
aft dat hui yi came n find me...well..ya told her bout the things happening recently..well...she advised to tak the initiative to patch...bt well i'm sick of the stress created due to us bein together..sick of it...we r together for the sake of bein so..it's so fake n menaingless...n we gt our own life n things to b busy wif nw..so well..perhaps i m stubborn or wad...bt i has alwaes been the one takin the first move..i dun wan to do so animore...hui yi ask me one qn," zhen de mei you wan hui de yu di mahx?" i was totally stunned at tis qn at first..cos it's seeems so...i duno hw to sae...bt i gt me emotional...bt well i replied dat"ya, mei you wan hui de yu di" cos i realli dun feel lik we have to b together..i have my own life..bt she told mi bout her 2 frens hu died...well..i guess...i duno...i jus dun feel lik taking the first move..i will onli tak the first move for cat..cos i deserve it..i m in e wrong...i m willing to apologise...bt well apparently she ishx nt willing to listen to me...haix..
then we went sing post wif all her frenx..all guys...ex students frm chung cheng...it was kinda lame n fun..wif her fren such a lamer...wif mani lame jokes..haha...n francis...quite lame too...bt well...i enjoy e trip overall..though at first..i wanted to go CA...cos recently very dwn by lotx of things...wan go there..to find back myself...my memories...my past..i wan time to stop...go back...i dun wan to live in tis future...okiex fine...i wan *him* back...i wan our memories back...i wan my guardian back...i wan her back...i wan my past back...bt hu m i to sae dat?they gt the lives of their own...well..bt i chose to b here...nt moving at all...i wld rather to b oneself in the past...than wif tis unknown future...dat i can neva b happi...neva..cos i lose my grip..i lose my love..i lose my passion...i lose everyth..including myself..i wan to find it back...whixh ishx all there..CA...where i find my soul...
cu ci jian bian dao xiang zhi xiang ai..wo zhen ren xin san qu?
left at bout twelve...hmmmm...i hope to go out wif huiyi again...sry lehx...neva go walk walk wif u..cos i wan go home..sorry...
well i dun wish to sae anyth regarding quarrel..i dunno...i jus dun wish to voice anyth...i noe dat if i sae my feelings out..the more misunderstandings we will have...suan4 le...i wld rather bottle it than anyth...
hmmm...my throat hurts...duno y..guess too much heaty food...hmmm..or izzit denise.....ahem..heex...she will noe wad i'm tokin bout..haha...if she eva c tis...kekex...tmr hol...bt still gt egeo test on thurs...told ehx...i duno hu's dat..bt huiyi fren hu walk wif me to the bus stop..bout our batch's humanities...quite bad...well..his batch was v gd...in e sense beta...duno wad's the root of the prob..perhaps our batch lik to si du shu...lik wad he sae..duno...haix...egeo...grrrr.........scared scared...wan finish me chem first..cos tmr certanli keep mugging for geo...
31 daes to EOY...jia you...heex...hui yi u too...ur prelims worx..bt dun b too stress up..kekex...
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i'm so happi nw..kaex fine..it's late..i need to slp..bt...heex...finalli i manage to find him..heex..so happi..streaming nw...the songs so nice...happi..kekex...hw i wish time wld stop..haix...well...gd things wont last foreva..haix...yawnx...shld i slp...hmmmmm...
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hmmm..i gt nth to sae..jus blog to show dat i'm on net..haha..dumb..tmr emaths test...(cross fingers)
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i give up...i give up...i dun wan to b involved in tis anymore....
wad's e use of doin n organising everyth n get a msg askin u," wad have u contribute to teacher's dae?" i get realli fed up by tis msg..realli...if u tink dat orgainisg sumth ishx so easy..u try it..i m willing to give up e post to any1...the budget i have ishx so small...wad can i do except to minimise expenditure..n i wana sae..for e food th...i wan to have a budget..bt can any1 understand dat if i have a food budget...the money spent on tis teacher's dae th will amount to 100 plus dollars...n e presents budget ishx realli small...i noe...it's hard to get a present wif dat..bt if a bigger budget...where e money goin to cum frm...n in e future..pple will start askin me...y keep collecting claz fund...y spend so much initialli...lik wad i receive these remarks when i was collecting the claz fund during last wk...pple were asking me hw i spend it...ya i contribute nth..fine...by trying to get pieces together...i still contribute nth..wad's e meaning of tis... u ask me wad i contribute?okiex..ya..nth..dat's to u..u go try organising things together..trying to piece things together...i wld rather b sum1 hu go n buy present n nth more to do...rather than getting ur sarcastic criticism n bein misunderstood...n u noe wad's the inside info.i oso wan a food budget...i oso find it unreasonable...by calling u all to volunteer..okiex fine..sum pple sae dat they nv volunteer...bt i gt e list frm her..nt i created it myself...i didnt even go n ask hey wad u bring for food on teacher's dae...i didnt even go n ask...n yet u sae dat i call u all only to do the food...bt in fact every grp at least one person ishx bringing food..it's nt ur grp onli...fine..i give up...(no offence)
okiex..i hope no one ishx bein offended..bt i jus feel injusticed..bein misunderstood..like dat time heng pei was misunderstood...it feel so......haix....nvm...i will jus fulfill e role of brin a treasurer...nth else...isnt things beta tis wae...n u wont tink dat i contribute nth ritex...
ya another blow...she sms me..saying dat she ishx nt against me...n dat...even we r nt e best of frens...blahx blahx blahx...communication ishx the key to everyth?i give up..on u...communication..since there r so much communication breakdwn btw us for the past yrs...i dun wan to communicate anymore...wad's the use..nt e best of frensx?haha...i neva noe dat u gave up...i neva noe...i tot u alwaes say in ur letters dat i burnt dat we r..n no one ishx to give up so easily...even after 2 n a half yrs..nth ishx stable...nth....n u can jus sae so easily dat even we r nt e best of frenx..i neva noe dat u wont feel pain..i neva noe..i neva noe..dat indeed i'm onli e foolish one..feeling so stressed n hurt by the frenship..i neva noe...*sobs*
weakling soul..wad a weakling soul i m...y mus i cry...for her...for e frenship..y mus i.......i shld nt..since they face it...
i wanted to run aft her when our deco team has done our work..bt since..things had to end tis wae..i'll jus had to let things b...
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okiex..tis entry ishx goin to be full of vulgarities in the sense..(beware)
firstly...i'm so pissed off by her...when i heard dat she INSISTED on me goin for duty when i was initially excused...she made me feel as if she ishx threatening me using mr soon n the pcec authority...i was realli pissed off...halo...i MUST do my ic...dat's frm the govt..u tink i wana forgo the duty mehx..kaox...wad the hell...moreover my expiry date for doin the ic ishx drawing near...u tink i can...f*ck...brainless...ishx like...she ishx e one hu INSISTED n INSISTED..i will foreva rem the wrong u did to me...tis the 2nd time...i mean of course those serious one..if wana count mild ones..i guess...she will be surprised by the num...u make me cry in front of everyone...makin me lik a weakling soul..i will foreva rem tis...bitch...
anywae...i m jus saying tis bout her...i mean ya...i noe me myself...it's v bad to nt report for duty jus cos of my own affairs...bt sumtimes things cant b helped..luckily olivia gave me a wae out...saying if i can find a replacement..well initially i was tinkin hu will...then luckily i gt sum helpful frenx...dat helped me find...call...then fianlli zaylene agreed...luckily...or else....haix...
she ishx realli the worst beast(ishx tis referring to man onli..haha...) in the world...kaox...stop insisting man...finalli i see ur true colours...ya...i saw it long ago...bt well i chose nt to believe it..bt nw...i guess...i will believe FULLY in it...n if u wana start the game of war btw us...start it...u dun have to resort to such xia4 jian4 waes to put me dwn ritex...bitch...u will get ur retribution..i alwaes believe in tis...mayb nt nw...bt well...stop bein such an actress..i noe u like drama..bt pls dun apply to ur everydae lifes...putting on a mask whereva u go...it onli makes ppls puke...
it's jus dat i dun wan pursue sum matters of last yr...my parents will b TOO GLAD to pursue those matters dat u did it so "cleverly" n tink so stupidly dat no one noes..cum on...pls..stop brin so stupid n dumb...me parents jus noe hw to read sum things sumhw...u tink u will escape...bt u will neva escape frm the eyes of heaven...
u r jus a f*cker n a bitch...hu can be worse off than u...even my clazmates hu duno anyth bout u...detests u nw...for wad u did...u tink u can jus escape lik dat..nt dat easy man...u can act as if u "innocently" duno anyth...pls even they were pissed off by ur stupid face n expression dat ishx nth bt fake...y call other pple to call me to ask me bout the duty after creating ur"play" putting me dwn...u sense trouble huhx...noe u re wrong le huhx.....why dun u call me urself...having a guilty consicence?dun dare to tok to me?pls...u are so fake..y dun u fake more...makes pple detests u further...when i sae i found zaylene le...u gave me dat type of innocent voice dat makes pple puke more...if i can write tis entry in chinese...u r jus e qin hui dat...ishx so dumb...
well..of course after all tis..i was crying n crying...i mean of course...i was surprised dat she did tis to me..bt well...since things turn out tis wae...i will jus start the game of war btw us wif her..f*cker...well i threw awae everyth dat she once gave me...burnt the letters which she once so hypocritically wrote it...even the bear...well...i ju threw it..i detests the presence of it...n i deleted every msg dat she sent me...including those saying dat she will stand by me.wadeva shit...i deleted it..those hu noe me well..will noe dat for me to delete messages in my folder ishx impossible..cos i find those messages valuable..bt wad value does she have nw..nth bt shit...i oso deleted the other her...i find dat she ishx as hypocritical as her...
it dawn to me dat we once share so mani secrets n stuff...perhaps she will betray me lik wad dat bitch does...i duno...bt if she does...i guess i will get realli hurt...cos we once are so close dat nth can tear us apart...bt i find dat she ishx the same as dat bitch...i duno...i duno wad's her stand...bt guess she will side dat bitch...cos they r in e same claz...wad can i sae...hweva she noes wad it meant to b betrayed...for she was once b4..so i hope dat she will nt do so...i duno...well i msn msg her jus nw...bout tmr tech run..she cal me to refer to eileen instead..i was lik u tink i wan to ask u...it's jus cos tis morning first period was mrs lim..n i cant attend fully the full board meeting..duno hw will i survive tmr...with dat bitch...stupid...or rather..i told jia yi...bout since i am under her...hw m i goin to survive for the next yr...she can try all kinds of method jus to put me dwn....lik threatening..
anywae heng pei...if u eva c tis...dun need sae sorry lahx...it's nt ur fault...anywae i realli realli forgt bout hw to do a script..okiex..fine i have bad memory..haha...
thanks everyone hu helped me todae worx...zaylene...thanks worx...hmm...i dun wish to cry in front of my clazmates.....bt well i cant stop the tears at all..
the claz teachers dae..i feel lik giving up..cos i tink dat i m lost..sorriex...if i did vent my anger on any1...
i duno i duno...hu can help me..hu can stop my tears...hu can...i duno...
okiex...enuff of it...anywae...arhx.......jerry yan album ishx out..okiex..i m abit lag..bt...cos i busy wif studies mahx...bt well i listen to one of his songs..xiang yao ai ni...okiex lahx...bt well...i wan the album..ahhhhhhh...i wan to buy...bt ex lehx..haix..duno...heex....i wan......grrr.........humph.......ahhhhh..haha...
okiex..i got to go n do my hmwk...3 tests next wk...
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hmmm..tis gonna b fast...jus gt hm..was doin e eng content pg..
n ya...wana thank liling ting jie n joanne worx..they so sweet...gave me dog(soft toy) as a belated bdae present..was kinda surprise when they was lik calling me todae...then i tot they wan wad..in e end...they gave me e dog..so happi...of course...touched...cos i neva expect it..realli..heex....ting jie oso cal me join them to spc KFC to celebrate the belated bdae bt cant...cos gt sum home affairs...sorriex...well...i was tinking...w/o them...i seems to b beta...in e past..i pin all my hopes on them...my bdae..my dreams...etc..in e end wad i gt was all disappointment...i feel so stupid bout it...well it seems dat things r beta w/o them..except dat...as i rely on them too much on e past yrs...n wanting to get into e same th as them etc...it seems dat nw i wan to get out...bt cant..cos i gonna stick to it..cos i love CCHMS councillor board...n drama...i gonna pursue my interests...rather then giving up things...avoiding things jus cos of them...it seems so stupid than eva...i feel much happier w/o them...
conflict seems to b so common around me nwadaes..lik todae...lot of things happen......jus cos of e survey which trigger everyth...duno lahx...jus feel dat things r getting so vulnerable..
feeling so tired..realli tired...guess cos all those nights w/o slp..tired..help...sick...
still gotta go studi bio..tata
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well..actualli i shldnt b here..cos heex...do e biofilm scrpit..so cum n update too..nth much...hmmm...well...todae was rather pissed wif the teacher's dae th...i guess sum pple had alreadi noe n hear me grumble..bt well..cum to tink bout it..i m still pissed!!!...
i mean halo...i m onli the TREASURER..TREASURER!!!!..i mean ya...i can organise th for e claz...lik claz outing..chalet n stuff...i'm willin to...bt can u dun push ur responsibility around lik it's evrybodi's prob except urs...as a committee member...u shld at least do ur part ritex...n well..dun tink dat everyth ishx possible when's it's nt..it's reflected in e results dat we gt for the past half yr...ahhem...pls...tink bout it...wad r the practical stuff..can th goes well if we do tis...n wad's the backup...i mean jus cant push one th to sumone...dun keep tinking dat the claz ishx bad..cos they dun respond n stuff...bt well..e claz r willing to cooperate if u can do it well...i believe the claz will..if life ishx full of giving up..u will accomplish nth n jus keep grumbling n grumbling..pls...tis world ishx nt dat neg as u tot to b..ishx hw u do th n hw u c th...n most imptly...r u able to get pple to listen n respect u..if nt..tink bout it..where's the prob..wif u urself or the organisers or other th...dun give up n start to push things around...i mean u 're busy n stress so r we...u tink we r nt?pls reflect on urself b4 saying it's other's pple fault...i mean i truly nt finding fault wif u...u're n okiex person seriously...bt u shld fulfill ur responsibilities n dun grumble when th r nt in ur wae...
okiex...enuff of tis...phew...anywae...i jus hope the teacher's dae th will turn out well...i hope dat i can plan wif all the com memebers rather than aaron n me alone..lik e claz outing..it's more fun wif more pple n ideas...dat's y we cum up wif the clusters idea...to let everyone contribute...n ya i'm planning to have a chalet at the end of yr..anybodi gt ani comments or suggestions?cos i duno where to bk one..i ask ben to look out le..n most imptly...the scholars...they MUST b included..sumtimes i tinkin hw will e claz b w/o them..it's jus so dull...soo tiger mus quickly give me e dates u all are available worx...quick quick...
anywae todae was the eng common test..wad can i sae...it's nt dat bad..bt i tink i will do badly..hmmmm...help help...english!!!!grrr....i wan to do well...of course i cant jus sit here n sae so..mus work hard...EOY cuming...ahhhhhh...
hmmm..shld b all...oh ya...anywae i wont brin the elephant to sch le...scared...pple tink i siaox...haha...
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hmmm..okiex...let's c...todae well..did quite lotx of things..of course all sch one lohx..kekex...n i realise dat i ytd go out forgt bout my mum's bdae present...grrr...nw i duno hw...haix...nxt wk r jus test n tests..4 tests in total n loads of hmwk..wad's e diff when we don have common tests...bt replace wif this claz tests...grr...anywae e ss ishx goin to b decontextualized..i duno i wan surf e net to find e conflict round e world nt..haix...c gt time nt..nw i needa do e content pg for e eng file..or else..haha..i guess those in 3Bn r too scared for e consequences...cos it's nt a mild punishmet worx...for her..kekex..
finalli denise goin to do finish her blog soon..lookin forward to it..her elephant was wif me todae..everytime..kekex..too cute le mahx...then i let it slp on e sofa...lying dwn..n my mum joke wif me..cos i slept le..then when she was trying to wake me up..she was lik cant..cos i too lazy le..haha..then she sae sumth dat realli wake me up...she made the elephant stand w/o me noeing..n sae..the elephant had woken up..hw cum the "zookeeper" haven..kekex..didnt noe dat mum will oso joke wif me..dat's so seldom..
hmmm..guardian wished me a happi belated 15th bdae jus nw..then he neva reply me le..guess our promise will b broken..i duno..i dun wish to tink so much..i wan my mood to liven up..i dun wan to bother bout it..wad can i sae...guess ya...wad he sae b4 ishx ritex...the place dat we had in each other's heart will b replaced by sum1 sooner or later..it's impossible to b 4eva...
well...haix...forget it..hmm...shld b all...tata..
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yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! finalli...bt first first first..MUST SAE THANKS TO DENISE...she realli help me alot..ytd the internet explorer was nt working at all...i tot ishx my fault..n i gt scolded by my bro...n ishx lik i cry..ya..i cried n it's alreadi my bdae..!!!i promise to stop my tears..bt to no avail..i scared..haix...nvm...aniwae aft fiddling wif e com for lik 3 hrs...i manage to make it work..isnt it amazing...of course w/o denise..nth will work..so realli thanks...realli duno hw i shld thank her man...hahaha..nw i can b proud of myself n dun care bout my bro le..humph...he was lik i deserve it lik dat lohx...humph...
anywae..kekex...thanks to all those dat wish me happi bdae..realli happi todae..cos...well...it's nt lik last yr..so full of sadness..haix...enuff of it...ya...i do cry lot todae too..lik hmmm jus cos of tis stupid internet explorer...n cos me mum ask me bout they all...well she was quite shocked dat hw cum i nt goin out wif them to celebrate todae..i told her e whole th..amzing dat i manage to keep it frm her for so long..it's lik..okiex..then cos i v dwn wif the internet th le..i cried while i sae bout it...esp bout her...
okiex let's c..i went to sch wif a dwn mood...n ya..pw then sms me dat she forgt brin my present..bein so dwn alreadi i have no mood to joke or sae i'll kill her..i jus merely sae nvm..cos i realli moody..then i came to e clazrm..denise gave me a so cute elephant n a letter..guess wad dat letter was her first letter...of course nt including family n others..i mean i feel so honoured..anywae aft e small tok at msn ytd..i feel dat perhaps we r frm e same world..perhaps all i look for ishx ritex in front of me..n yet i didnt discover it...haix...n her letter was so.....ahhhhhhhhhh...i neva expect to b so nice..cos normalli my letter ishx full of words..no pics at all so boring ritex..n hers was lik so colourful wif a gal n totalli lik comic characters...(anywae she's a comic lover...kekex...so..uhhem...)ahhhhh..kekex...then crys was feeling guilty bout her present..kekex...nvm lahx...it's okiex..n heng pei one..a cow..n xin ee...haha..so happi...i so mani animals in my hse..kekex...
then hmmmm...lessons..bt was okiex...then went out wif crys n liling instead..didnt went out wif him...bt ya..we gt meet..cos he wana give me the present..okiex...ya so we went bugis..play lotx of lame games on e wae..so lame man...then haha...we went mac...then i was so dumb..cos i new to signing up for ez link th...sound so dumb..then i realise hw long i have neva step into a fast food restaurant..kekex...then ya we toked..mostly crap..kekex...and ate(of course ritex)kekex...then i realli feel v full..duno y..when i did nt eat my breakfast n lunch..dat's ishx counted dinner..haha..oopss..nw then i rem i still have my bread in my bag..oopss...suppose to b my breakfast..dotx..hmmm..ya then he wan to meet me..hmmmmm..i okiex lahx.. bt feel awkward..a bit cos crys n liling first time noe him..n so sudden...then ya we jus went...then i sae later...i told myself crys n liling dat if things r fated to b..we will meet..realli we met..ya @ e escalator...makes me tink of e past..ya...then dotx..i duno whether shld i meet or nt...hmmm..haix...then well i jus went..n he handed me a big box nicely wrapped...i feel dat he gt sumth to sae..bt nth came out..so it's pretty awkward u c..kekex...then well i went wif crys liling to take neoprints..n it's so fun..realli..if i gt time then i scan put on my blog..nice lohx..so exciting man...then design...race against time..blah...then ya..he came to e shop too..crys n liling they all gt ask if he wan join us..i dint ask him cos i tink ishx quite awkward in dat sense...hmmm...then we jus go shop..practicalli nt shoppin..bt kept on discussing stuff..haha..so crappy...e last part seems to b e most nice one..haha..to them..both of them reply me sae bout it..kekex.
ya..then well...i went hm...80 came..so i neva manage to c him again...hmm..i duno..i feel dat mayb we shld face up to each other n b frenx...bt it seem so awkward sumtimes...sumtimes..haix..bt it's okiex wif sms..i find myself so contradictory..haix...
he gt me quite a big me to u bear.. so one of my wish ishx fulfilled by him...bt....i duno..haix..guess it's realli ex...realli..i feel dat i'm nt worth it for him to do tis..cos..hmmm..jus nt worth it..bt wad can i sae...we r made to b fools...y izzit e person dat loves u most isnt e person dat u loves most...
still i did nt manage to sae a happi bdae frm *him*...i duno..haix..guess *he* will neva..forget it...left 1 n a half hr..kekex...oh ya..i oso neva tot dat i'm 15 alreadi..kekex..i lookin forward to round 17 dat age..."old" enuff to have a chalet..heex...
anywae realli thanks to everyone...
~hw i hope dat tis will neva end~
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finalli finish sending all those attachment to e various pple..ahh....denise where r u..u promise me to send me the bio stuff yet when i called u..ur mum sae u was slpin..haix..sad...
well aft dat entry in e com lab..i went for lit..hey it's nt tat boring as b4 le..finalli..KOTC..ishx such a boring bk i shld sae..wif the Kingshaw alwaes so retarded..cant stand him...anywae...we watched a part of e 12th nitex play..ah..so nice...hw i wish i can watch all..though i onli read lik..hmm...1/4 of the thick txt..haha...the language all so chim...cant even make out wad they sae sumtimes..bt v poetic...of course..dat's shakespeare mahx..haha..."if love b the food of love..give me excess of it...blah blah blah.." thouugh the verse by Duke Orsino was a bit exaggerating..bt it's so nice...ahh....i wan to read on more...bt well dat's e positive side..i was so angry angry angry wif ms chan todae..she sae she may have lost sum of the Mr Tang's Girls assignment..wad the...i was lik ...so angry lohx..y mus she lose tat assignment out of all..i spent the most time on dat...onli melissa noe it..guess wad..i spend e time frm 8 AM to 9 PM on a sat to finish it..n she can sae it wif such calmness n lik as if it's pushing all her blame to duno hu...dat she lose it...kaox..can she dun lose mine nt..so angry..grr...dat assignment i put in so much effort..stupid...
well hmwk n test are all cumin up at one go..physics jus went..was okiex..bt i aim quite high..bt guess cant le..cos i forget quite lotx of stuff..anywae..till nw i still haven decide wan go out nt..tmr..can any1 tel me..haix...ishx lik i guess i'll feel real guilty if i go out..bt if i dun..i will feel soo...duno hw to sae...jus lik bdae ishx onli once a yr lohx..haix..y cant it b a weekend..grr...
heex..anywae..i bought sum tibits for crys n mayb others..duno hu wan...for tmr...haha..cos crys sae...if can will certainli c me brin lotx stuff tmr..so i decided ya..then bring lohx..
looking so forward to tmr..though i tink onli denise pw n crys hp..blah blah...a little pple noe it onli..bt nvm...guess...th mus go on...bt well will *she* eva rem wad date ishx tmr..me myself oso duno..guess she blocked me in MSN ba..hasnt been seeing her recently..bt saw her tis morning while i was returning e register bk in the GO..then she jus look quite shock to c me...well i turn awae..dun wan th to turn out awkward..bt i wanted to sae sorriex..haix...i wan her i wan our past i wan everyth every moments i shared wif her..bt...everyth seems so far awae nw..hu can piece it for me..i lose a lot of e pieces of our jigsaw puzzle..haix...guardian oso e same..ah...........so trapped...grrr....
n well for those 2 dat i dun realli tink or care...ya..i mean i do dwell on whether this move ishx e ritex one..bt cum to tink of it..when i saw e face of her...i cant stand it man..it's as if she's ishx lik sayin...hey pls..i'm much happier than u nw..u tink u r impt?jus e same wae as hw her nick spells it...wad the..i feel lik if i can...i wana slap her seriously..wad does she noe..she onli noe hw to find her own excuses...i cant imagine wad we gone tru...i looked tru e letter she gave it to me on my bdae during sec 1...she wrote such touching.. stuff lik nt gonna let go...blah blah blah..bt nw..she seems to b the toublemaker of all...anywae huiyi if u gt c tis..haha...rem those paper tat we write in Blue Cafe..sayin CDC rockz..ya still wif me..ahh...miss e times man...
realli lookin forward to 12 am...bt well i dun wan to end it..bt the more i dun wan..i guess tmr 12am will jus cum in lik a few mins time..haha..anywae gtg le..bb...
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hihi..haha..everyone...heex...me nw in sch n i'm here updating my blog after completing the stupid english survey which ishx so long.....kekex...c sze hwee update update..so wan update..heex...hmmm....wad shld i sae...well later will take e stupid physics test dat isxh bothering me since mr gan sae bout it..grrr..so angry...cant enjoy my bdae wk at all...yeah..tmr bdae le..haha..bt older le..sad..heex..anywae..ya still duno e programme for tmr..cos hmm...ya..goin out wif him..bt scared my parents misunderstood...they tmr nt workin cos grandma 100th dae...haix..sad..i duno i duno i duno..help!!...shld i go out..bt i feel i shld b alone..shld i?i wan to go to sum quiet places...bt haix..duno..will decide later in e nitex...ya..anywae...jus cos of tis stupid physics i slept for 3 hrs onli..so stupid..so tired nw...yawnx..haix...
anywae...ya..they contacted me quite a lot tis wk..bt jus cos of tis physics..i rejected everyth..i feel so..empty?me myself oso duno..i m jus tinking if * she* will at least wish me happi bdae...
ya jus nw give pw c my private blog...she saw e past of me..haix..she seems like duno her...hmmm, she keep saying she shld nt have read it..bt y...hmmm...can i noe?izzit dat bad..perhaps...i'm jus too "matured" in dat sense to have such a past...
ben playin e jay chou's song at com lab..seem so sad...feel lik...crying..haix...i feel dat though i look so happi outside i seem so fake as i'm nt at all...haix...
sum pple playin gb...haix...everyone seems so occupied..n me...seem so empty..duno..lik a show in e theatre..n i'm left alone...everyone ishx enjoyig e show..happi by it..bt i m e one watching n crying..seem so...haix..duno wad m i wanting n saying too...
pw...mus tel me why kaex..
anywae i have nt been updating my private blog shld i?haix...guardian had been so quiet nwadaes..i duno wad ishx happening...i hope to noe too...haix..
bell ring lee..gtg..tata..
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sobs sobs sobs..everyth dat i do for sum1 ishx nv recognise..they tink dat i'm nt takin it seriously..bt yes i'm..n they themselves..nt at all..mayb i take th too seriously ba..perhaps..bt why..m i alwaes e one..i dun lik th to b lik tis..y m i such a serious person..y shld i tak evryth so seriously when no does dat...it seems dat i'm onli finding waes to get myself trap...
anywae...stop calling me to studi n studi..i feel so trapped by studies le..stop tis man...i 'm so trapped by it...stop calling me to studi..i noe my limits..so pls..stop controlling me..i noe my limits..i'm so tired of tis...since th turn out tis wae..then stop contacting me if u wan...in tis wae...u can get wad u wan...
well i'm so frustrated by physics..those facts n stupid qn dat i cant comprehend at all..why does physics exist...i hate it..y mus i studi so hard...y cant i relax a single bit...it's so frustrating..
th arent getting so gd..i dun lik my life..i dun lik it at all..
todae still hav tuition at 8 which ishx lik will end at 10 plus...ishx so late..n i cant studi aft tuition..certainli v tired by it..cant stand her...y mus her timing b so odd one...grr...
sumtimes i realli dun lik her..she ishx lik so......hey pls..i'm jus askin u qn...i mean u as a tuition teacher..i've to ask u qn dat i duno ritex..she get so fed up wheneva i ask her lotx of qn..i mean i pay 50 dollars for each session..cant i utilise my time..anywae i wana change..bt i scared change le more cham...help...duno lahx...even wana change gotta wait 3 times more..stupid...
anywae was sad dat on my bdae dat dae was ah ma 100th dae frm her death..i'm lik...y mus fall on my bdae..i miss her...bt well i guess my relatives will neva understand..cos they will tink dat i dun love her at all..bt wad do they noe...i guess onli ah ma noes me best..she treated me so gd..or rather she ishx e onli one hu treated me gd out of e whole mum's family there..i nt on close ties wif my father's side there...bt she left me jus lik dat..i rem last time..ishx she hu take cr of me...rem once when her hse was renovating...then me hated dat sound..still small mahx..then keep crying..then she go dwn wif me n eat char siew rice..she c me eat n dun wan eat herself...n mani mani more...i miss her...bt i can neva tel her tis animore...i m nt a person hu express much of my feelings to sum1 i love..cos i'm a bit..hw to sae..mayb shy in dat sense..so i neva told her dat i love her n ishx realli grateful for wad she had done..apparently..she neva gets to noe...even when her body was bein sent to e cremation centre..every1 shouted ah ma..bt i didnt..i duno y...i jus cried n cried..bt inside my heart..i kept calling her...i want to tel her i love her...bt i can neva do so nw...she ishx the best mum n ah ma in e world...she had realli done realli a lot for us...nt askin anyth in return...bt she chose to leave us..i hope dat she ishx happier nw...i dun at all noe hw ishx she nw...y mus her 100th dae falls on my bdae..it's lik..i duno hw to sae...i hope i can go visit her @ e temple...mus c dat dae hw ba...i miss her...miss her...
tmr ishx e 7th month le..abit scared scared..haix..duno...i hate my bdae to fall in e 7th month...gt a lot of th cant do..hw hw hw...haix...
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well...todae..so slack...bt i m proud dat i finish my hmwk ytd..heex...hmm...well finalli my mood ishx abit back heex...gd...
anywae todae ishx nth dat interesting..jus study dat stupid physics test dat ishx one dae b4 my bdae...destroying my mood, humph!
anywae i hate e physics nw..need to memorize so much...radiation convection conduction etc..sumtimes so confusing..i tink pw killing me..cos i learn th alwaes v specific one...then will ask her a lot of qn dat she neva tot of...then she will b so frustrated...haix...hmmm....i v confused wif the phrasing of radiation lahx...haix..stupid radiation..y they phrase it tis wae...when sec 1...they dun phrase it tis wae one..dat wae i understand more..rather than tis stupid physics text..so stupid...bleahx..i realli curse tis text..so confusing..bt wad can i do..i still need to live wif it for 1 n a half yrs...haix...sianx...
okiex..oso slept a lot todae..cos i wake up late last nitex jus to finish e hmwk which ishx such a chore...then i go living rm studi will b so sleepy one..haix..yawnx...
okiex..nvm...i gt to go n revise my stupid physics again...sobs...tata...
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well todae was realli a disappointing n sad dae..ms khairani refused to c us or take our sorriex gift....we ran to e staff rm straight aft sch bt noe dat she was nt in..then james told us dat she ishx in IT resource rm 3..so we ran all e wae back to new block 4th floor..hopin dat she will c us..as expected she refused to open e door...we tried to knock on e door several times bt to no avail...shu han climbed up to c if she ishx realli inside tru e curtains..n ya she was..in the end we pry open the window using keys..n we shouted sorry ms khairani...she still refused to sae anyth or c us..well we dropped e gift inside n those sweets dropped out..so in e end we took everyth back..we said twice sorry...she still refused..then there ishx one eng teacher n she has the keys..she opened the door for us n asked if ms khairani wana c us..well we went in..n we sae sorry again..she dashed out of the rm tru e front door immediately..we sae sorry n sorry..she walked wo turning back..then jin juan wanted to give her e present..she shouted a firm " no thanks"...every1 returned to claz...lookin dwn n hurtful..well we still have to con wif our collage..bt a lot of pple left..so little manpower..sobs..haix...our clax...hmmm...
sum pple said ms khairani cried...as she kept bending low when we were peeping..i guess she noes sumhw..bt wad i heard was she was nt angry wif us..bt hurt..realli hurt..wad i guess was she perhaps expect too much frm us n was realli disappointed by e fact dat we as 15yrs old teens still whine tis wae..bt well we realli apologise..wad can we do further..we r still growing kids...we r still learning..it feel so sad to c her so upset over wad happen...frm wad i noe..she has jus been in cchms for 1 n a half yrs..izzit...anywae i guess tis ishx e first time she ishx realli so so angry..moreover ishx her form clax...n the best clax in e level..so perhaps she ishx real disappointed..i oso duno..i wish to noe n i guess dat's wad e claz wana noe too...well...i tink wad melissa said was sumhw ritex..perhaps...it ishx diff on her part as it seem dat we were forcing her to forgive us within one dae..i duno...bt haix..it's jus so sad...anywae we gt ss on mon..hw r we goin to face each other?will she cum..i hope so...cos tis awkwardness cant go on 4eva like tis moreover she ishx our form..
well e collage was disastrous too...ms khairani face was distorted n the colour were nt matching at all..cant stand the pic..finalli aft shu han sat dwn n do it..everyth turn out well..i wonder wad's ms khairani thinking of us nw..will she accept n love tis collage..or bring back sad memories..perhaps she "love" us too much...dat we disappointed her greatly..haix...sad..
on e bus i had a v dumb tinkin..i was tinkin if we blocked the front door jus nw n kneel dwn..will she forgive us?or will shr go off the same wae..wad mus we do to appease her anger..forgiveness ishx all we ask for..though it ishx onli a simple word..it's hard to b given...
hmmmm...well my sch work seems to b falling..e results...i felt so uselsss nw..i meant when we had e esplanade performance i can do it..nw w/o it which means i gt more time..n yet my sch work results sucks to e core..i feel so dumb dumb dumb..weakling soul..why why why..i spent every hr in my sch work...to achieve results..n yet wad i saw was jus nth in return..it's so unfair..i feel so....i duno...i feel lik hw i wish i neva live in tis world...it's so stressful..yet the more i work for sumth..e more i failed in it...so dwn...dumb minmin..useless one..grrr....fuming mad wif myself....stupid...
i feel so.......anywae...pf did ask me about e tokin..well i find dat's it's useless nw..i feel dat since we have broke up..let it b...i meant since we cant withstand those obstacles..holding on ishx so dumb..n they seem to nt showing a single sense of concern nor care bout it..y i shld alwaes b the one to initiate a patch when they dun give a single concern bout it..let th b..anywae their th ishx nt my business nw..they can make th turn tis wae i oso can...i'm nt dat dependent on them anywae...they r jus a speck of dust........let th fade as it's totally useless nw..
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i'm so tired..tired..hw i wish i can jus drop dead onto my bed..yawnx..so pig..haha...nvm..i shall nt slp so early..find that the earlier i slp..e more tired i felt..so dumb man..wad does my body wan...grr....
okiex...todae heritage tour was disastrous...other than the hot sun...suffering frm dehydration..fatigue...n stuff...well we make our dearest form teacher ms khairani scolded us harshly at the foyer..well it's all our fault..i wld sae our though perhaps people will claim tt they r nt involved..bt we r a claz..we act together as one..
she scolded us as spoilt BRATS..repeating the brats..well..coincidentally..the teachers meeting was over..so those teachers came out n sort of puzzled by wad ishx happening..to save further embarrassment..she called us to leave..she was fuming mad..
well we were left there feeling guilty..we were at fault ba..though i realli duno wad ishx happening..the th shld b started wif the fact dat we wanted to alight at a bus stop @ mountbatten rd there..me no comments cos i have no bus there..if i alight there i guess i will get lost..kekex..anywae..ya...i was v shocked by ms k reaction..cos i was bending dwn to pack my bag..when i lifted my head up..though i m at the v back of e coach..she stare at e claz..n said to stop nonsense..scared scared..hmmm...
then she said at e foyer dat she did ask e driver to stop bt he said no..she dun like our attitude..we kept whining when we knew dat we cant alight there..ya dat wad she ishx realli angry wif..hmmm...bt wad realli puzzled me was y dat driver dun wan to stop when the bus frm 3HM did allow those pupils frm 3 Hm to alight..well..duno..perhaps realli nt ritex to alight at the bus stop...
well..so sad..hmm..she ishx v gd to us..n yet we make her flare up..haix..bt wad ishx done ishx done..wad can we do..except to sae sorriex ba...
anywae pple sae ss test was tmr..which was a shock..bt they sae she sae ishx a joke..i wana learn..bt i'm too tired....sobs....y cant i jus b as energetic as others...sobs..cries..
hmmm..jus nw in my hse there carpark gt a young man arrested..duno wad happen..drugs trafficking?hmm..dat's wad my father sae..kind of scary..bt i m make to tink of.....hmm...y pple wan to do wrong..feel so sad for their parents...they took pains to bring him up which ishx so hard...i mean y get hooked on to stuff dat u noe dat ishx so harmful n unrealistic...u get caught in e end for drugs..in s'pore it's more strict than eva...duno..feel kinda dwn...their parents r so pathetic..they will realli b heartbroken to c their child turn out tis wae...hmmmmm..haix...
well mum n dad have been quarrelling over financial matters..esp when my mum ishx alwaes siding wif my bro..well i mean...sumtimes i realli feel dat he's so rude...n my mum can accept it n nt accept me when i'm lik jus rude..feel so unfair..bt i dun wana sae anyth..since she ishx lik dat..y shld i show dat i care...she ishx alwaes siding wif him n criticising bout me......
hmmmmm..well my phone kept ringing when i dun wan it to..when i pay attention to it..it jus lay dead there..stupid..yaya..called me..bt i'm jus too tired n bz to call back..noe gt probs..wan me..bt well i'm nt a spare tyre when u wan u get u dun wan u throw..i'm nt..grr...duno duno duno...y do th turn out so complicated..
n ya..my ocean gu dan bei ban qiu no more le..cos i tink e link does nt work..sobs...
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i feel so disappointed in him nw...disappointed..i duno wad to sae..everyone tt i miss seems to b leaving me one by one..they doesnt care bout wd i tink wad i wan wad i do..to them..everyth ishx taken for granted..i'm a human..i have emotions..y do they have to treat me so...cant they spare a tot for tis weakling soul tt feels so useless n dumb nw..
i duno i duno i duno wad i'm tink wad i'm doin..i feel lik i'm so sick of life..hmmm..mayb th turn out tis wae ishx partly of my fault too..bt..can i salvage it nw..no one give me a single chance..i oso duno wad m i mumbling nw..grr...so angry so angry..i duno..feelin so empty..y do they have to do tis to me..haix..
i put every effort tt i can in alreadi..wad more do they wan..wad imptance i hold..i oso duno..i feel tt i'm lik a rubbish in e rubbish chute..grr..y do th have to turn tis wae..
perhaps i shld jus indulge myself in studies..i wont tink much tis wae..bt i'm so tired...
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hmmm..finalli aft so mani hrs of trying to make it as nice as possible..my blog ishx up..kekex...well...mus oso thanks hu have helped me in a wae or another, esp shu han denise n peiwen..thanks lotx..kekex..okiex...enuff of the thanking ceremony..haha...
well...these national hols so fast..goin to end soon..well..at least i did spend it wisely ba..i shld sae..hmm..has been so moody..duno y..jus moody..haix...tears jus well up in my eyes sumhw..duno wad to do..hmmm..i tried to stop it..bt to no avail..well wad can i do..jus let things b..remain teary ishx all i noe..such a weakling soul...hu can ease the pain in me..the tears dat neva cease..perhaps onli he can do it..bt i seems to b losing him..he seems to b escaping..i dun wan our promise to b broken..haix....hmm...well..haix...
i jus dun understand y she cant face up to wad ishx happening nw..ishx lik...the frenship btw us ishx so strong tt we promised to hold on foreva..bt nw..she cant even face up to tok to me..i jus wana sae sorriex...can she feel it..i duno..bt i jus feel so...i duno hw to sae..y she cant face up to me..i realli hope we can tok over..for other frenship i dun care..bt i do treasure hers deeply..does she understand...
hmmm...tmr starting sch le..i oso duno..wheneva go sch then i wont tink so much...i dun even noe whether sch ishx beta or hols...ishx so stress up in sch bt teary during hols..sobs..
hmm...well...tests cuming up..physics ishx ritex b4 my bdae..phew..i dun wan last yr history to repeat again..i still feel the hatred...haix...bt i guess wont le...
look forward to end of yr..december..ahhhhhhh...tt my aim...haix..bt still gt end of yr exams..grrr..sianx...
hmmm..well..shld b all..heex...anywae do comment on my blog..heex...welcum ani comments worx...
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